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There I See a Girl

by Vangelis Vassalakis

I am in a somewhat crowded club.

There I see a girl.

I think she's beautiful. I like her. Oh, yes, I pretty much like her. Of course I feel that I want her. And, more than easily, comes that much-familiar feeling of embarrassment; that I must talk to her and I don't know what to say. I look at her again and she notices that I am doing so. I feel embarrassed and shy.

Nevertheless, I feel a strong urge to have a talk with her. Damn, I want her. I begin visualizing some possible pick up lines. 'Hi', for example. Ok, then what? I can hardly imagine something smart and something original. 'May I buy you a drink?' - sh*t, it's outdated. 'May I join you?' - better, but a bit '70's style.

The time passes by. She looks at me for a second time. Wow, I gotta do something, man! My friend urges me to go on. 'Go and talk to her, tell her anything; a stupid pick up line is better than nothing! At least you tried. At best, you may lead a more relaxed and smart flirting conversation and end up laid! Go on, you bast*rd, move!'.

No I can't. I sit where I am and do nothing. I buy myself another drink, tell jokes with my friend, she swiftly looks at me for a third time, and after haven't noticing how the time passed by, she picks her coat and her female friends up and there they're gone.

Bye, bye, happiness!

Happiness not in the sense of getting laid (this brings joy), but in the sense of trying. Of being free from that filthy fear. Of being a free human being that can do what he wants (without hurting or oppressing others, of course). Of being able to do things for his life. Of being able 'to freely bloom. That is my definition of happiness', as the famous lawyer Gerry Spence puts it in his book "How to argue and win every time."

When at home, during the coming days, I try to analyze the reason why I didn't do it. What did I have to lose? At worst, I could have faced rejection. But, by not acting, I got a 100% rejection. Not from that woman, but as a result of my worst enemy: my fear.

The following days I try to analyze my fear. I go back in time. I had some traumatic experiences with my strict mother and father, and also my immediate environment didn't promote healthy social, sexual and loving human relations either. Also, I went to a boys Catholic-owned school with some Orthodox priests (I live in Greece) that did not want to accept the fact of human nature and were tyrannizing emotionally our sexuality, etc. etc.

And then I go even back in time, remembering that I was raised by some stranger nannies since my ma and pa were working, and I probably have acquired some subconscious fears about stranger women. Ok, I have some acquired fears. Also, I have the all natural fear of rejection, that resides in most of us - men, women and kids.

Then, I decide that the combination of the above fears is what made me stand where I was, without acting and thus ruining my evening, my coming week and making me feel somewhat afraid of any future possible embarrassment on a similar situation.

And finally, I try to resolve the above fears by any available means (i.e. going to the psychiatrist, discussing with myself, discussing with friends, listening to my female friends blaming men for not being active and 'masculine' enough to approach them, and also visualizing myself acting in similar situations but without the fear or embarrassment and succeeding - the way athletes do).

But lately some thought occurred to my mind. Is it the above fears that prohibit me from flirting with a strange woman or is it something else?

I mean, is it possible that I am afraid not of rejection but acceptance, instead? Day after day, I began attributing a higher percentage on that latter factor than I did in the past. That is, I subconsciously think: 'Ok, she doesn't send me off. But she's better than I can handle.

She will make me think of her all day long, she will make me be jealous, she will make me offer her expensive gifts all the time, she will be too good in bed and thus I will mind of not losing her, etc'. In others words, I think I am not good enough for her. She stands on a somewhat 'higher' level than I can handle.

And by virtue of the above, I keep sipping my JD straight and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers' Californication. At least I have chosen a good club to spend my evening!

And there lies a possible solution for all us, fearful guys. Of course this solution is to face your fears and successfully resolve them as soon as possible, but also to realize your status. Why is she better than you? Is this true, or do you tend to perceive yourself on a lower level than the one you really are?

Ok, she's much pretty, but you may be smarter. She may want good gifts, but what about the gift of good sex (even too good) she will offer you back? She might not be any beast, or any filthy wh*re, looking for men and money and diamonds, but have compassion and understanding, instead, in store for you!

She may be too joyful and you guys like moderate situations, but damn it - she's in a club to have fun! What would you expect her to do?

She may be somewhat low, talking to her friend (not her darling, guys!), but her low mood might be due to absence of a happy man (like us fellas!!), standing next to her and not to snobbism.

She may be much seriously talking to her companion. Then you better not approach. She's there not to flirt but to discuss, instead. She has chosen the wrong place to do it, or she normally likes to have her serious talks in places like that. Nevertheless, I would not go to her and I would look for another one. But Mother Nature be my judge, if her face or body would bring me spring then I would go, come hell or high water.

She may be very impressive or too well dressed for me. Blame me for not caring much for my clothing, but blame me not for not trying to approach her!!!!

She may be a thousand other things.

I will never find out what she is, unless I try to do so. Unless I make my legs walk and make my mouth speak happy and flirting words and my eyes unleash all my natural attraction towards her.

If I don't let myself free from fears and comparisons, then I will never enjoy her. And that's the most important thing I will do from now on.

Next time, as I enter the club's door, I will let myself free from any perceivable fear of women (and of myself) I might have.

I am 30 years old and I have no more time to waste. I have to love and take good care of myself. Nobody else in the world will do so for me.

I will stop paying any dues to my fears!