Occasionally, I will direct a question to the female subscribers in certain issues of The Don Juan Newsletter... help us "clueless" guys out a little so to speak. Here's what they have to say....
What's the best first date you've ever been on? Or, what would be an ideal and memorable first date?
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I think the best first date I ever had or have been on is one where the man is not pushy, he shows a true interest in me personally, flirting is fine, yet not overboard, and also he is capable of showing a general interest in things that I'm interested in.... For instance: If you have talked and he is aware you are interested in viewing the stars, he will go that extra little length to arrange something so that you can view them and teach him a few things you may know ~~ basically that he shows an interest in you in a way other than A Sexual one.
And if a man understands that some women need time to dial in there feelings since we are more emotional creatures, and men usually are more on a visual and sexual innuendo levels, due to there natures.....if they can slow down and let nature take it course they will be overly delighted when it does finally happen....I personally don't like to feel like a sexual object to men. I like to be romanced, and I like to feel like the man is more interested in me than for an evening in the sack. If that is what he is interested in he should be outright and just say so ~~ then everyone involved knows where they stand and the necessary choices can be made.
The best date would be to meet for coffee in a quiet cafe near a park. Sit and talk for an hour or two discussing everything under the sun. Then maybe a walk in that park, feeding ducks, etc.
I think that no first date will work in every instance, unless you go for the all too common dinner and a movie, and let her choose both.
Personally, I am a college student, and with a great GPA because i study and THINK about things. I would prefer to be stimulated by lively discussion on a good first date. My Mr. Right would pick out a thought provoking movie, like Shindler's List, or What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams (out a couple of months ago), something with a plot and a philosophical question. Then we'd go out for coffee or a light dinner afterwards and enjoy a lengthy conversation, getting to know how one another thinks by discussing the movie and what we got from it. I think that if a guy was really attracted to a smart girl, say he met her at a library or in a philosophy class or something, he could win her over using the preceding date. Art museums are also fun, you get to walk around and look at art.
Of course, the average guy only goes on a first date based on looks and superficial personality, so this approach probably wouldn't work on most of the population. How would you know if your co-worker ponders the meaning of life on her coffee break?
I think the type of memorable first date you have depends on how well you know the person. If it's someone I know in real life, see quite often, know something about, and know I'm already attracted to, then a memorable first date could be several hours long...dinner and dancing or something similar (see below) would be my choice so that we could talk and get to know one another even better.
If the person is someone you've met online, then I prefer for the first date to be just a meeting for a drink or something similar....just in case it doesn't go well and one of us wants out! :) (I'm sure that never happens to any of us, though!) If all goes well you can always extend the date to include dinner, movie, dancing, or whatever. I prefer something where we can talk the first time and really get to know one another.
My most memorable first date was a couple of years ago. A guy I'd met online flew in to town for us to meet. I picked him up at the airport, took him to his hotel, and we just sat in the lobby and talked for a while. But later he had a wonderful riverboat dinner cruise planned. It was about a 2 hour cruise up and down the river. It was a beautiful starry night and we went up on the top deck after dinner and just leaned on the rail and talked and enjoyed the evening air. There was dancing on board if we wanted to dance, lots of people if we wanted to socialize, and plenty of room if we just wanted to find a corner and talk. Great evening....very romantic! I'd love to do it again.....anybody game? :)
Marsha, 46, divorced
Was going to say just what you said, in the following section, about coming up with something out of the ordinary "Gitta Cuppa Coffee?" line. However, if the Columbians raise the prices after that monsoon there - it may be just the ticket, on down the road, there - but, for now, save it - Puleeze! Same goes for Movies and going out to eat. I can not-talk-to-anyone by myself - eating in front of the TV, if I had that little imagination - and I certainly wouldn't want to do anything with anyone who can't come up with better than that. And I don't. I enjoy my own company more than I would somebody like that. My dog's better company. My Old Pet Rock was better company. Who wants to go someplace and not talk to them? Or sit across the table and watch somebody chew their food and talk at the same time - some people might, but not this one.
Tell the guys to act like they are enjoying themselves, and their day, and their life. Make us want to be a part of your day, make us laugh a little, having a knowing nod for the things we say - that you don't have a clue about - and don't immediately start trying to fix and solve everything - we just want to hear "yeah, really, I know what you mean", said sincerely. (Like you, at a bar or someplace, telling some stranger your troubles - tho we wouldn't do that) usually, we want to talk to a friend. If you get to be friends, you can always get friendlier - or not - as the case may be. But at least you've made another friend and none of us can have too many of those. What do you like to do with your best friend? Ask us if we want to do that with you - a lot of us like to hunt, fish, repel, you-name-it, we like to do most things you guys like to do. Hey, fishing can lead to moonlight on the lake and even to camping out - in - a - tent - by - yourselves - all - alone - for the ones that need those pictures.
As a first move - how about just walking up to that new girl, introducing yourself and offering to answer any questions that might come up while she's getting used to being there. That is always appreciated. Then, while you're showing her around, (around break-time, lunch-time?) How about grabbing a bite to go and get some fresh air in the park? Or around the corner at one of the favorite hangouts and introducing her around - that would be great! Hard to refuse a deal like that - just don't act like you own her already - be helpful. She'll know you're interested, or you wouldn't be taking the time to offer - and if she takes you up on it, she's hoping she'll be interested too. Maybe neither of you will want to take it further than that, and that's ok, too at that point. Maybe both of you will find you're soulmates and end up eating one hot dog from both ends to the middle before lunch is out - either way, you've both had company for lunch, fresh air and a break in the day.
I liked, the closing line in Alan's column - but will paraphrase, in closing this, by saying "Make today the kind of yesterday SHE'LL want to remember tomorrow" and keep your hands washed, because you'll soon have her eating out of them!
My ideal first date would be simply going out to dinner and talking honestly. No veiled come-ons, no sexual innuendos. Just talking about how you feel about life. A woman learns a lot about a man that way, if you wait and let your true feelings come out later, then you are misrepresenting yourself and then you wonder why things didn't work out. Men can learn a lot from the conversation also, if they get their brains out of the "I wonder if she is going to put out tonight" mode. A lot of women aren't up-front either but there are a lot out there like me "what you see is what you get" if that is not what you are looking for fine, we had a nice dinner and got to know each other before the relationship turned to sex and the woman is left feeling empty and used.
The most impressive first date I've been on is memorable for the little things the guy did rather than what we did. When he first saw me, he complimented me sincerely and simply on my appearance. He acted the gentleman by opening and closing the car door and holding all other doors for me. When ordering in the restaurant, he allowed me to order before him. He also held my chair when I went to sit down. We're just friends now, but I still think of his courtesy towards me. (Yes, in the time of feminism and equal rights, I admit my penchant for old fashioned courtesy toward women. At the same time, I think women should cut men more slack and be thankful for what they do rather than constantly criticize what men don't do.)
The most memorable date for me was when the man showed up with flowers, and was the real gent opening doors and mannerly.
The best first date I was on .....was with a guy I hadn't even thought about dating....he called and asked me out to dinner....we went to a nice restaurant, danced to the music....we hit it off really well. That was 20 years ago and I still date this guy every once in awhile. He will always be special to me!
I think a good first date doesn't have to involve the typical "dinner and a movie". It's important that the date include time to get to know each other (that is, talking/conversation time) and a movie just doesn't lend that kind of time. Dinner is good but it can be a little formal. I think going for brunch and then doing something that you both enjoy (say, going to a museum or a carnival or going hiking).
My friend was asked out by this guy she wasn't too interested in romantically but he asked her to go to a ski show with him and his buddy. she drove to meet them and then after the show they went to McDonalds to eat and then went out and rented a movie. She said it was a nice afternoon and very relaxed. No pressure to be the perfect date because it really wasn't a traditional date. Bowling is fun too, especially if you're bad at it and have a good time laughing at yourself like me and my boyfriend. Pool is good too.
THE MYSTERY DATE
One of the most enlightening dates I have been on is when we played role reversal. I had to plan the date, drive the car, open the car door, open the door to the restaurant, talk to the waiter, decide what wine to order, order the meal for my honey, (without his input) and make conversation like this was our first date.
Wow! I did not know what it was like to be on the other side of the fence. Then I paid for the meal, opened the car door for my honey, and then drove him home and tried to get a kiss while he played hard to get. He said, "I do not kiss on the first date."
I gave him a massage, he is a Massage Therapist, and I tried to convince him all I wanted was to give him a Therapeutic Massage. I sure had other thoughts, like getting romantic, but he still played hard to get. I asked him, " when is this role playing going to be over?"
He replied, "midnight!" I could hardly wait for midnight to arrive. I was glad for things to be back to "the normal way."
We still have mystery dates several times a month and do role-reversals. It is fun thinking up exciting things to do and places to go.
You guys try the mystery date and let me know how it works out. (You do not have to do role-reversal, but it is fun).
