Being 'Too Nice' to Women,
Not Understanding Attraction,
and Feeling That Frustration
That Drives Us Guys Crazy...
This time I'm going to "mix it up" a little...
I get a lot of questions like the three that you're about to read.
A LOT of them.
In fact, I get so many HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of them emailed to me that I'm beginning to realize that I need to write another newsletter about this particular topic... even though I've written about ten billion of them now.
Read these emails... and nod your head if you've found yourself in a similar situation:
I've been receiving your newsletters and although I'm a little skeptical, I thought I'd ask you a question. I live in Las Vegas where I attend UNLV (I'm in a fraternity), play in a kick-ass rock band, AND work as a bouncer in a nightclub on the Strip. Now, given my situation, one would think that I'm just ROLLING in women, yet the only game I get is from older chicks and gay dudes. And when I do go out with hotties, I can't get them to call me back; girls my age just aren't attracted to me like they used to be.
I'm smart, funny, I make decent cash, drive a nice car and all my "friend-girls" constantly tell me how hot I am. What the hell am I doing wrong?
I recently had surgery and during that time a female "surgical consultant" gave me guidelines of what the surgery would be like and how to prepare for it. In a nutshell, she was really hot. The problem is we have talked on the phone about the surgery and the results and finances with insurance. The problem is that it's only been on a professional level. She is fairly friendly, she doesn't avoid my calls, and she doesn't try to get off the phone quickly.
So I had her business card and I recently wrote her an email, to her WORK email address, on Friday and said thanks for all the help and asked her out for coffee. She emailed me back right away and said that "I am too nice" and totally avoided answering the "coffee" date. So I emailed her back that same Friday and said that, "You totally avoided the coffee question."
Today's Monday and she since hasn't replied to my email about going out for coffee. I feel like writing her back instead of waiting for her reply. Is this a sign that she is not interested in me? What do I do? How do I get her to at least go out for coffee with me. If she does go out for coffee with me, how do I keep her interested in me?
You are my last resort for advice. If your advice works, then I am definitely going to buy your programs. Please help!
I am recently divorced and am 32 years old. Haven't dated since I was 21. So I have just kind of thrown myself back out there. A friend of mine told me about you and this newsletter so I started reading it and am fascinated by your advice. I have always been the nice guy -- ready with an honest compliment and holding the door etc. It's not an act -- its just how I am.
But I seem to be sensing a problem with this...
With my friends and gal pals I get the "you're too nice" comment all the time. I am still trying to figure out how you can be too nice. How can you be too much of a gentleman? Is this truly something that can kind of trip you up dating these days, if you are like me?
It's interesting for me to read questions like these.
The FIRST thing that pops into my mind when I see a question like this one is:
"He doesn't get it."
He doesn't get it.
Now, I guess it's probably obvious that a guy who writes me "doesn't get" SOMETHING.
If he did, he wouldn't write in for help.
I know, I know. I'm a logical genius.
But stay with me here...
The three guys who wrote in above all have VERY different situations.
But I really believe that they all have the same basic PROBLEM.
They're running up against totally different challenges, but I believe that if they all understood a few keys about women and ATTRACTION, everything would change for EACH of them.
So let's talk about those key things.
Here are a few of my key ideas:
- ATTRACTION Isn't A Choice.
- Women don't feel ATTRACTION for "nice" guys who kiss up to them.
- If you don't GET how ATTRACTION works, then it almost doesn't matter WHAT you do. Nothing will work.
- If you DO get how ATTRACTION works, then you can do almost ANYTHING, and it will work for you.
Let's take 'em one at a time...
Attraction Isn't A Choice
Women don't "choose" to feel ATTRACTION.
BANG! It just happens.
And let me ask you something.
Do you think that the mechanism that causes women to feel ATTRACTION... the one that has evolved over millions of years... before language, before MTV, before you learned how to kiss women's asses... is LOGICAL?
Here's a hint:
The bottom line is that if you interact with a woman long enough that she forms an "impression" of you, and she doesn't "feel it" for you, then you're done.
And no amount of chasing her around, buying her things, and being "nice" is going to do the trick.
It's NOT a CHOICE, man!
Women Don't Feel Attraction For "Nice" Guys Who Kiss Up To Them
Remember the guy above who asked the question "How can you be too nice?"
You already know... DUH.
Now I'm going to ask YOU a question...
WHY are you BEING nice in the FIRST place?
It's because you WANT something.
"Oh, no", you argue...
"It's because I'm a NICE GUY."
Or maybe you think that you were born this way... to be "nice".
Or maybe you've even convinced yourself that it's the "right" thing to do.
Well, it's really pretty funny that the answer is staring you right in the face.
You keep proving to yourself over and over and OVER again that NICE DOESN'T WORK.
By the way, I love it when guys write in to me and say "I don't want to use the things you teach because I don't like the idea of MANIPULATING women."
Then I ask "Do you buy women dinner, or take them out?"
Of course, the answer is always "Yes".
I ask "Why?"
But I already know the answer...
IT'S TO MANIPULATE WOMEN.
Yep. And then the same guy says "Yea, but THAT'S DIFFERENT".
OK, before I get too far off track here, let's just summarize and say that it is EASY to be "too nice".
And it REALLY screws up your chances with women when you are.
Women are NEVER attracted to WUSSIES.
"Overly nice" equals "Wussy".
If You Don't "Get" How Attraction Works, Then It Doesn't Matter What You Do. Nothing Will Work.
Think about the concept of ATTRACTION for a moment.
What is it?
Is it important?
Is it the same for men and women?
Do you KNOW how it works for women?
Have you ever taken the time to LEARN how it works for women?
Have you ever CARED how it works for women?
Are you guilty of spending more time thinking about what you're going to leave on your outgoing voicemail message than thinking about this topic?
Well, let's get something straight...
MOST men, and I'm talking about 95% of them, have NO IDEA how or why women feel that amazing emotion called ATTRACTION for some men.
And if they DO have an idea, it's usually DEAD WRONG.
All most guys know is that women don't feel ATTRACTION for THEM.
It's obvious that our three poster children above haven't a clue about how and why women feel ATTRACTION.
Read their emails again right now.
You'll get what I'm talking about.
Notice something about these emails.
Notice that they all seem to be focusing on what they're DOING, rather than what they KNOW.
"I'm in a rock band and I'm a bouncer at a hot club... but that doesn't work..."
"I sent her an email, but that didn't work..."
"I'm a nice guy, but that doesn't work..."
Can you see it?
THEY DON'T GET IT.
If they did, their emails would be totally different.
If You Do Get How Attraction Works Then Almost Anything Will Work...
Here's the interesting part of all of this.
If you will take the time to LEARN how and why women feel that interesting and magical emotional response called ATTRACTION for some rare men, and not for ALL THE OTHER men running around, then EVERYTHING changes.
Here are a few interesting points...
There are a few physical cues, or specific types of "body language" that instantly tell a woman whether or not you're a guy that is even worth a SECOND GLANCE...
If you don't know what these things are, and how to use them, then the game will be over before it has even started.
Women test men CONSTANTLY.
And ATTRACTIVE women test men MUCH MORE INTENSELY than "regular" women.
If you don't know how to spot these tests (and most of them are very subtle), and then deal with them, you're going to lose your chance to create ATTRACTION before you even GET it.
Being "nice" isn't the way.
If you want to chase a woman around for six months, buy her tons of gifts, take her on a bunch of expensive dates, and HOPE for a chance to have her as your girlfriend, then keep doing what you've always done.
This is the PRIMARY way that men approach the topic of "women and dating".
I'd say that, on average, if you're REALLY REALLY NICE, and you buy her lots of extra-nice stuff, and take a woman on at least 20 dates over a 3-month time period, that you'll have about a 10% chance of her "falling for you".
That's just a guess.
But it's probably pretty accurate.
On the OTHER hand, if you want to be the kind of guy that has women FLIRTING with you within MINUTES of talking to them, then you're going to need to do something else ENTIRELY.
And if you want to be the kind of guy that actually has so many options, so many dates, and so many women interested in him that you just can't take all their calls, then you're going to need a COMPLETE OVERHALL in your thinking, behavior, and perspective.
Yes, it can be done, but "nice" isn't the way to do it.
Here's the irony:
Women DON'T WANT WUSSIES!
No no no!
Women are looking for MEN.
You know, a MAN?
I have a theory...
I think so many women are turning into lesbians because even WOMEN have more balls these days than most men.
You probably think I'm joking...
OK, so what should us guys do to:
1) Stop being "too nice"...
2) Learn how ATTRACTION works for women...
3) Meet and date more women successfully...
NOW THOSE are some GREAT questions!
Step 1 is to OPEN YOUR MIND to a new way of seeing things.
I watched guys who were REALLY successful with women for a LONG TIME... with my OWN TWO EYES... before I started to actually SEE what was going on.
And at first it just plain didn't make sense AT ALL.
But once I began to understand it, everything came together in a "blinding flash of the obvious".
Next, you need to realize that "nice" and ATTRACTION are two different things.
And they're NOT related.
Finally, you need to GET AN EDUCATION about this topic.
It amazes me that a man will go to college, spend a hundred grand OR MORE, and feel satisfied walking out of that educational experience STILL not having learned how to be successful with women.
It amazes me EVEN MORE that guys don't make the decision to actually LEARN this stuff.
Blows my mind.
Now, I've spent OVER five years working on this particular topic.
It took me a good 2+ years just to BEGIN to get a handle on what was going on.
It took me another year or so, AFTER I started to understand, to actually get GOOD.
After all that, I spent quite a bit of time writing notes to myself, discussing the techniques that I've learned and created, and putting it all together.
What's the result?
Well, now I have several great programs that I've designed to help teach guys how to meet and date women successfully.
And my stuff doesn't just focus on "what" to do. It ALSO focuses on THE WHY, and the WHEN, and the HOW.
In my eBook, Double Your Dating, I spend several dozen pages on this topic of ATTRACTION... how it developed, how it works, and how to understand it.
I get TONS of email from guys who say "Wow, this really opened my eyes and gave me a totally new perspective... and THAT is the thing that has made the difference".
Of course, I also teach DOZENS of amazing techniques for everything from approaching women to getting numbers to taking things to a "physical" level.
The eBook is a complete education. Check it out here:
When you follow that link, you'll also be able to sign up for my FREE Dating Tips Newsletter... which is packed with even more great secrets.
I recommend that you take advantage of these resources.
I've put a lot of time, effort, and energy into them, and this is the first time in HISTORY that something quite like this has been available.
Go check them out.
I'll talk to you again soon.
David DeAngelo is the author of "Double Your Dating - What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women", and has taught thousands of men how to be more successful with women and dating.
Copyright 2008 David DeAngelo Communications Inc., All Rights Reserved. "David DeAngelo" and "Double Your Dating" are trademarks used by David DeAngelo Communications Inc.