Are You Trying Too Hard with Women?
In recent newsletters, we’ve touched on the idea that "trying too hard" is one of the things that many men do that actually lowers their success with women. We’ve recently had some men write to us, asking us for some tips on trying less hard with women. We’ll look at one tip today.
One of the main factors that drives a man to "try too hard" (thus pushing women away) is his need for women’s approval. If getting a woman to approve of you — either by flirting with you the way you want, or laughing at your jokes, or going out with you, or having sex with you — is your main goal, then you are going to have a much harder time getting a woman to flirt with you, or laugh at your jokes, or go out with you, or have sex with you.
It’s a weird paradox, but it’s true — you are more likely to get the approval you want from women, and everything else you want from women, too — if you can let go of seeking their approval when you interact with them.
When you let go of wanting approval from women, you may make some interesting discoveries.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may discover yourself feeling more free with women.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may discover you are more relaxed with women, and around the topic of women in general.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may discover that women seem more attracted to you.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may find that interacting with and flirting with women is much easier and more fun.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may find yourself more selective about the women you ask out, or want to be with.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may find that they start seeking YOUR approval.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may find that not having a lover right now doesn’t mean all the bad things you thought it meant.
- As you let go of wanting women’s approval, you may find you are more relaxed in every area of your life.
How to do it:
1) For the next week or so, experiment with letting go of wanting women’s approval.
When you are interacting with a woman, just remind yourself, "I let go of wanting her approval, just for now." You may even imagine the sensation of wanting her approval, rising out of your body.
Then, see what happens when you interact with women without seeking approval.
Don’t expect to get laid TONIGHT using this approach. If you are using this approach to get laid right now, you’ll start looking for her approval again, and blow the whole thing. For now, just let yourself do what you find yourself doing when you let go of seeking a woman’s approval. This is not to say that is WON’T get you laid tonight — it may. But having that be the goal, at least at the beginning of using this approach, is a bad idea.
Letting go of seeking women’s approval is NOT the same as actively seeking their disapproval. For many men, the only way they’ve known of not seeking a woman’s approval is to get her upset, disgusted, or angry. You may have experienced this yourself; times you’ve done something to piss a woman off a little, just to show that you don’t need her approval to be happy.
To be clear, we are NOT suggesting that you seek women’s disapproval — that’s still wanting something from them, above and beyond whatever interaction may naturally be there. It’s not the same as letting go of wanting her approval.
When you let go of seeking a woman’s approval, you don’t know what is going to happen. You might be drawn to doing flirting moves with her, or you might not. You might treat her romantically, or you might simply treat her in a friendly fashion. You can’t know in advance.
But you can know this: if you are a man who chronically seeks women’s approval, and who feels as though he fails with women too much, you WILL have more peace of mind and happiness, as well as eventual success with women, if you let go of seeking their approval.
2) Explore niches.
When you start experimenting with letting go of wanting women’s approval, it helps tremendously if you actually spend some time around women so you can practice letting go of seeking their approval.
The best niches in which to practice this are ones in which you see the same women over and over — classes, for instance, or clubs, or any group that meets over and over with the same membership.
When you are seeing a woman one time, and one time only — like at a coffee shop, for instance — you are likely to get scared that if you don’t seek her approval now, you’ll never have a chance with her. This will lead to trying to get her approval, trying "too hard," and messing up.
In groups that meet over and over, however, you can let go of trying to get a woman’s approval right now, knowing that you’ll see her again later, and that you can see how things develop over time. This will relax you and enable you to let go of seeking her approval even more easily.
If you want to find out more about niches, and setting up niches in your life to meet women, then click here.
Until next time,
Keep the faith,
and GET LAID!
Ron and David are dating coaches. How to Succeed With Women has sold over 40,000 copies. They have been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Playboy, YM, Maxim, GQ UK, Swank, Gallery, and Players. They have also been on the Rosanne Barr Show, the Issac Hays show, To Tell the Truth, Fox News, CNN, UPN, and ABC.