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How to Talk to Women

by Allen Thompson

By golly, you've actually met a woman.

Maybe you're in bar. Maybe you're at the gym or laundromat. Maybe she's someone you know from work. Or maybe, even, you're actually out on a date.

In any event, now you've got to do something scary, something unpredictable, something with the power to launch a future romantic relationship, or end one before it even gets started. YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.

What do you talk about? Should you tell her about your childhood, your therapist, your plans for the future, the wart on your big toe? What if you can't think of anything to say? What if you say the wrong thing? And, by the way, what would be the "right" thing to say? Do you have a clue?

Most guys don't. When your average gent converses with a woman, he's basically just flailing blindly at the wind, hoping by chance that something he says will "connect" with the woman and make her fall for him.

Needless to say, this is not the "Don Juan" way of doing things.

You need to have a plan. You need to know DEFINITELY what works and what doesn't, what to talk about and what not to talk about. You don't want to leave her feelings to chance or to fate. You want to be charming and in control.

And that's what we're going to discuss right now.

Now there are many many aspects of a conversation. This particular article focuses on the conversational TOPICS that you should focus on when wooing a beautiful lady. Those topics which will almost GUARANTEE increased interpersonal attraction. Topics which will leave you in complete charge of the conversation, and which will leave you the option, IF YOU SO DESIRE, of future conversations, dates, or an intense romantic relationship.

Are you getting excited?

Okay, so WHAT exactly do you talk about?

Well, the first thing to remember is that men frequently err by talking TOO MUCH. They often monopolize conversations, droning on and on about topics that bore women to tears. They think they're "impressing" the women when, in reality, they're "depressing" the women.

Just because a woman listens to you and acts interested in what you're saying doesn't necessarily mean she really is. She might just be acting polite while silently wishing that the date would hurry up and end, or that you would go away... and never come back.

So key number one is DON'T TALK SO MUCH! Try not to monopolize the conversation and try to LISTEN to what SHE has to say. Remember, everyone is incredibly interested in what they themselves have to say. People will talk to you about themselves for as long as you will listen.

So stop worrying about what you're going to say next. Focus all your attention and energy on listening to what the woman is saying to you. Try to visualize or "feel" what she's saying.

This does take a little effort. It's not very hard to do, but it's not something that men "naturally" do. You simply have to concentrate.

Now when listening you want to pay particular attention to any "seeds" or free information she happens to throw your way. Seeds refer to subtle hints that women give that point to conversational topics that they would like to or be willing to discuss.

An example:

Bob: You come here often?
Kim: Actually this is my first time here. Just moved here from Florida.
Bob: Oh. I come here every week. I love this band. It's pretty crowded tonight.

Bob is clueless.

Kim gives him plenty of free information to follow up on. It's almost as if she's testing him to see if he has the intelligence or social skills to capitalize on what she says. Bob fails.

So what would be the "right" thing to say?

Well... she mentions that this is her first time in the club and she just moved here from Florida. Bob could have properly "watered the seeds" by asking a) How does she like the club, band, etc? b) What brought her here from Florida? c) How long has she been in the area? d) Where in Florida is she from? e) How long was she there? f) What's it like there?

Kim's two short sentences gave Bob tons of information to follow up on. Tons of conversational topics that she has indirectly indicated that she'd like to talk about. But Bob was too worried about himself. Too worried about the impression he was making. Too worried about what to say next to LISTEN to what she said.

Do you see the importance of listening now? You must concentrate on what she says and block everything else out of your mind. If you listen you never have to worry about what to say next because the other person is "telling" you exactly what to say.

Kim even subtly indicated that she was attracted to Bob (or at least not repulsed by him). How? She didn't blow him off. She gave him some free information to talk to her about. This may have been a conscious decision on her part or it may have been a somewhat unconscious act. In any event, Bob didn't pick up on it and blew his chances with her.

Keep in mind that if a woman likes you or would like to get to know you better, she will GIVE YOU free information to follow up on. She will throw out some seeds for you to water. If she's not attracted to you, she won't give you much of anything and it will be very difficult to maintain a decent conversation with her. No matter how charming you are, if she doesn't "help you out some" you'll eventually have to admit defeat and walk away.

So be sure to listen for the topics she'd like to discuss.

Now in order to converse for maximum attraction, you need to keep two other things in mind. You need to tell her about yourself. And you need to maintain a proper talk/listen ratio.

You may have heard or read somewhere that people like to talk about themselves and that you should spend most of your time listening and asking questions if you want others to like you. This is true... to a certain extent.

People DO like to talk about themselves and they DO like those who listen, ask questions, and seem interested in what they're saying.

But...

If you're goal is to charm this lady, you've got to do more than that. You've got to tell her something about yourself. Specifically, you've got to "tell her" that YOU TWO ARE VERY MUCH ALIKE.

You do this by making "me-too" statements.

That is, it is desirable to bring yourself into the conversation when you can relate yourself to something she's talking about or make yourself seem similar to her.

For example:

Kim: I really miss Miami.
Jim: I can imagine. I spent two weeks in Miami last summer. I loved it. Even thought about moving there myself.

Jim is smooth.

Jim didn't ask a question (this time). He told Kim something about himself that made him seem similar to her. Now if Jim has also been listening and asking questions, then he's probably doing very well with Kim.

A good talk/listen ratio would be around 40/60 or 30/70. That is, you want to spend around 30 or 40 percent of the time talking, and about 60 to 70 percent of the time listening. And you should spend as much of that 30 to 40 percent as possible in the "me-too zone."

Think about it this way...

Let's assume you just went on a dinner date with a lady you like very much. If you monopolized the conversation and spent most of the time telling her how "wonderful" you are, you can pretty much expect there won't be a second date. I hope you can understand this.

On the other hand, imagine you'd spent the entire two hours together sitting there, listening, and asking her questions. You probably did much better. She did seem happy. She did seem to enjoy the conversation. But still...

After the date she's going to go home and think about the date. And she's going to think about you. She's going to think about whether she should spend more time with you or not.

The fact that you haven't said much of anything all evening is going to be your downfall... BECAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT.

You haven't told her anything about yourself. She still has no idea if she should be interested in you or not. She knows you don't monopolize the conversation and you're a good listener. And she likes that. But that's not enough to spark any kind of emotion in her.

Now imagine you'd spent 60 to 70 percent of the date listening to her (really listening and asking questions), and about 30 to 40 percent of the time telling her about yourself. Specifically, telling her about yourself in a way that makes the two of you seem very similar.

This time when she goes home, sits down, grabs something to drink, and starts reminiscing about the date (and you), she's going to have something substantial to think about. She's going to think what a wonderful conversationalist you are. You didn't monopolize the conversation. You didn't bore her with details of your job, your childhood, or the health of your colon.

And because you spent a substantial amount of time pointing out how similar the two of you are, she's going to think that you are very SPECIAL. (After all, you're just like her. You must be.)

People always like others who are similar to themselves. By being similar to me, you essentially validate my perceptions of the world. I will see you as clever, intelligent, charming, and likeable... because you're like me.

(It's true that opposites do SOMETIMES attract. But only under certain situations. On the other hand, similars ALMOST ALWAYS attract. You should always go for the similarity angle during the first part of a relationship. You'll can reveal to her your "unique" qualities later.)

And don't worry or feel cheated because you don't get to talk about the things you want to talk about. If you play your cards right during the first few conversations or dates, you'll have plenty of time later on to bore her with all your "interesting" stories.

The first few conversations (dates) are critical and you have to "play" them right. That means listening for free info, asking interested questions, and making "me too" statements. It's a simple 1, 2, 3.

Allen Thompson
djnewslet@sosuave.com
Copyright © 1998

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