Making the First Move
Ok, so youíve been on three dates together and youíre ready for something a little bit more, er, "mature." How do you go about making that first move? This article will explore that important, terrifying step.
Men: unless youíre James Bond (by the way - youíre not!) she probably isnít going to excuse herself and "slip into something more comfortable". If she does, itís probably going to be some flannel pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe - a sign that sheís ready for you to leave!
Women expect that you know when to make your move. Further, they expect you to be sophisticated and smooth about it. Clumsy, boyish behavior doesnít fit with her image of being "swept off her feet", and you donít really want this critical step to end in laughter!
First, letís explore the rules for The First Move:
1) Women control the speed of the relationship - and the sex - not men.
2) Women know if theyíll sleep with you within 5 minutes of meeting you.
3) Even if a woman does go out with you, she wonít tell you if she plans to sleep with you or not!
4) Women will usually NOT make the first move.
5) If you donít make the right move at the right time, the women will usually think youíre weak, an oaf, gay, or just not interested.
6) Women and men view sex differently - women use sex to bond and create intimacy, men use sex to decide if they want to get more intimate.
How to Make That "First Move" (for Men):
Because of the rules stated above, you have to be somewhat careful of when and where to make your move. You want this to appear spontaneous, and, with the right preparation - you can! These seem to go against each other - prepare to be spontaneous? Yes - remember the 7 "Pís": "Prior, Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance!"
Give some thought to your moves before using them. This will help to make them appear more comfortable and therefore spontaneous. So, with that introduction, here are the steps:
1) Be sure youíre ready - once you begin, you canít go back!
Just like that move when you were in High School where you stretch and your arm "just happens" to wind up around your dateís shoulder. Also, do you have a condom? You donít? Then forget it! Remember: "No glove - NO LOVE!"
2) Be reasonably sure sheís ready.
How do you know sheís ready? You canít really be 100 percent sure, but you can get pretty close if you just pay attention. First, is she using the right body language? For example:
- Touching you both accidentally and on purpose
- Sitting or leaning against you
- Looking right into your eyes, examining your face - especially your mouth
- Leaning toward you as you speak?
- Using an "open posture" - arms uncrossed; legs open, or if crossed, not excluding you?
- Playing with her hair, exposing her palms and wrists to you?
Also, has she just told you she has an early-morning meeting, or has relatives staying at her place? She is probably telling you that this isnít the right time. In short, be open to clues.
3) Make sure youíre in the right place.
Once you get things started, you donít want to have to stop and drive somewhere else. Why not get there and then make your move - youíll keep things from cooling off - and possibly a change of heart. Also, make sure that youíre in a private setting - even if youíre in the back seat of your car. Nothing spoils the mood like someone watching (well, unless you both are into that!)
4) Plan plenty of time
Having an appointment in 30 minutes isnít going to create a romantic atmosphere. Be sure you have enough time to really spend getting you both ready.
5) Have a proper "build-up"
You donít want to show up at her door, walk in and start putting on the moves. Poor form old buddy! Plan a simple, but romantic date. Donít go to the movies or the theatre - you need time to talk and establish a connection.
6) Ready? Ok, letís go
So, whatís the first thing you should do? Get your confidence up. Wait for a comfortable break in the conversation. Then, take her hands in yours, draw her close to you and gently kiss her on the lips. Donít shove your tongue down her throat, and donít kiss her like sheís your grandmother. Make it linger just a little too long, and give her a chance to respond. You might also want to offer a back or foot massage - these are almost impossible to resist!
7) When sheís ready to move, sheíll usually let you know
But, what if she doesnít? Some women let you take charge when theyíre ready. You can start by kissing her neck and gently nibbling on her lower lip. Brush your nose gently around hers. Explore her neck and face with yours. Run your hands around her back, then slowly to her ass. Note her reactions.
8) Donít go for the "goodies" until youíve spent some time earning them!
If youíre in a hurry to get her out of her clothes, sheíll assume that youíre just as fast at everything else. Let things build on their own - at their own pace. Let them move along slowly, donít force them - or get in the way of them either!
How to Make That "First Move" (for Women):
Frankly, this is a lot easier for women. You probably already know what to do. Hereís a checklist:
1) Make sure youíre ready.
If youíre trying to seduce him just because youíre afraid of losing him, youíre not in the best place and should reconsider. Also, you should carry condoms on you. Remember - you both are responsible for preventing the spread of disease and unwanted children!
2) Donít worry about him - heís ready!
3) Ask him to go some place more private - like your place
You donít really need to go into anything more than this - the invitation is all thatís necessary.
4) Let him know that youíre ready
If youíre not comfortable just telling him (few women are!), let him know in other ways. Use open body language, get close to him and use physical contact, lay your head on this chest, use eye contact, talk "sex", etc.
5) Important - give the conversation a break!
This is the most often missed aspect of the first move. If he is politely listening to you and you go on and on without a break - whereís he supposed to jump in? If youíre nervous, this is especially difficult. Just try to be aware of your conversation.
6) There is nothing wrong with you making the first move
You absolutely can put your hands on either side of his face and kiss him. In fact, some men actually wait for this because they donít know when to make a move themselves. You can even tell him that youíre ready.
7) Feeling bold?
Iíve had many women tell me that they were ready by standing up and stripping for me, or take off their blouse and turn to walk into the bedroom. I mean, how obvious do you need to get? If this doesnít work for him, youíve got the wrong guy!
8) Help him along
This is a strange thing to say, but many women donít understand that their men might not know what to do - or at least what you like. If you donít tell him (or subtly show him), howís he going to know? Believe me, men donít read minds!
Many people donít know what to do after the first sexual experience with a new partner. At least the first time, donít plan to spend the night. Why not? If you do, youíll probably need your regular things for the morning - toothbrush, deodorant, denture cream, (just kidding!), etc. If you whip out the over-night kit, all of your work making this a spontaneous event will be lost.
Also, donít just jump up grab your clothes and bolt! Spend some time cuddling or at least telling stories and having a laugh. This doesnít have to be deep and intimate - just spend some time saying that you enjoyed each other. You might want to grab some dessert out of the fridge, or watch the end of an old movie. Men - if you want an encore performance, this step is critical!
Finally, have fun! This isnít the end - itís the beginning!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Womanís World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.