Escaping the Friendzone
My guess is that there are thousands of guys reading this right now who are stuck in the "Friendzone" with a woman.
You know what the Friendzone is, right?
It's when you're romantically interested in a woman, maybe even head over heels in love with her, but she's only interested in you "as a friend."
You may have even had a discussion about it. Perhaps she delivered the infamous "Let's just be friends" line to you.
I imagine most every guy has been there at one point or another.
Being stuck in the Friendzone sucks!! No doubt about that.
I recently queried the readers of The Don Juan Newsletter for Tips on Escaping the Friendzone. This is what they had to say.
I knew a girl as a friend for a couple of years. After a few bad relationships, on both sides, we were getting closer, but she still didn't want to "cross the line."
One night after a day of partying in NY, we kissed passionately for the first time. That was it. She was scared to death after that, and I was hooked on "I want her more than ever."
What made it worse was she knew it and had the upper hand because she was ok with the way things were. I was a mess. Tired of bad relationships, I wanted to go out with someone I already trusted.
The next couple of weeks after that sucked, for me especially. I was a snithering idiot. I to this day still don't know how I pulled it together. I guess I realized from another similar situation that I was doing the same thing, and I was only going to blow it. Self discipline is extremely difficult when your confidence is down.
I did play in a band though, and things were just starting to take off. It definitely helped fill the void. It also exposed me to a lot of women.
Here's the key. Although I wanted nothing to do with these women, (heart set on my friend) I knew that if I didn't act upon it I was going to lose out in two ways. Blowing the friend thing, and any potential new relationships.
Besides, going out with other women wasn't hard. I had to get over the, "If I date someone else, will she be mad?" thing. That's the point. I didn't even really date so to speak. I just hung around the other girls and it helped, even forced me to ignore my friend.
Another thing I did, or didn't do, is treat my friend like crap. A lot of guys, and I have done it, are a little mad at the girl that is rejecting them, and they start treating her bad. I don't mean abusive, just being a little snotty thinking it shows independence. Aaaaaaaaaaaa. Wrong answer.
She obviously likes you for you. Don't change your good qualities. You're just missing those other qualities of self confidence and independence.
It's amazing when you really mean it, that is, how women, and men too, change when they feel threatened. Now, don't get me wrong. My friend was a cool and tough cookie who knew how to be independent. She was definitely coy about her change, but it happened.
We would still hang out, though not nearly as often, and watch movies, but we were sitting a little closer. The personal contact became more. This too gave me more confidence, and I played it off like I didn't care. Boy, that was tough, I will admit.
Anyway, one day while watching TV, in her bed mind you, (she had a roommate) I just went for it. No stupid questions like, "Can I kiss you?" "Do you think we can try going as a couple?"
I was rubbing her back and I just swung her around, grabbed her face with two hands, and laid the most passionate kiss I could muster up on her lips. She was a wild woman.
I found out later that she had wanted me to slam her, and those are the words she used, (God I loved the way she talked) for a long time by then. You could tell too. We had sex for hours, and I felt like Mr. stud.
I think I came across a couple of DJ tips here. You need self confidence*, but if you can't just do it by saying, "I am going to be confident!" (and most of us can't) a hobby* or something to keep you busy and scarce* will fill in nicely. Especially if you are good at it.
Never ever ever sit around hoping she will feel sorry for you. Caller ID is a beautiful thing. Don't answer the phone. Park you car somewhere where she can't see it on a drive by if possible.
Downright lie if you have to, but do it right. Do not get caught in a lie! Instead of lying, go out and have a real story to talk about. Answering machines: Hi this is John Doe, I am sitting here by the phone waiting for her to call, and all depressed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Wrong. Have we done this before? Leave the damn thing alone or change it to a hilarious announcement.
Well, my fellow DJ's, I hate typing and this is taking way too long. I hope it helps. By the way, my band is doing great, I am more independent than ever, and it is amazing how many chances I now have, and don't blow also.
I had a female friend that I was interested in but she only wanted to be "friends" or so she would say. There was always an interest on her part but she was afraid of losing the security of having my friendship.
On Monday, I asked her if she would help with some things on Thursday evening. I already knew that because of a business trip I would be on the West Coast by then and would be gone 6-7 days.
When I didn't show up on Thursday she began to wonder where I was at. She called my house numerous times and even my workplace. When she finally found out that I was out of town it drove her curiosity crazy.
When I got back I didn't return her calls or contact her. She stopped by my house and started questioning where I had been and why didn't I tell her I would be gone for a few days.
I told her that I really didn't want to discuss where I had been. I told her that an old girlfriend from college insisted that I come and spend a few days with her.
The jealously it stirred up in her was more than she could handle. After this we started going out and have been for a year and a half now.
My best advice is to make yourself unavailable, and make her really wonder what you are up to and who you are with. It drives a woman nearly to the point of insanity to act like you aren't interested, when she knows you really are.
1) I like to begin every first date (usually a cup of coffee or lunch) at some point with, "At least we will become good friends." This puts a twist in their head, the ball in your court, and creates a relaxed atmosphere for the first encounter.
You should be getting to know her "mind" anyway. If you like her, show her confidence, self-control, challenge, mystery, and humor. Also, flirt with her, keep the relationship sexual, and NEVER let her take you into the "friendzone." If she tries, withdraw a bit and see what happens.
2) But, if you find yourself in the "friendzone" and you have no other choice (there may be a boyfriend or husband in the background), you've got a big problem, especially if you have too high an interest level.
Your high interest level is your biggest enemy, since being too interested (and she will know it) is anti-challenge. Learn to hide your high interest level.
While in the "friendzone" at least you have her attention, and you can begin to work on "getting into her head." Come at her from an "angle" and keep her defenses down.
I like to use a COMBO STRATEGY. Praise and/or compliment, while not showing the slightest romantic interest.
Don't talk too much. Listen more & very closely (let them talk about themselves). Keep it light (avoid negative & contentious subjects). Avoid sex topics. Don't touch. And always maintain challenge, mystery, confidence, self-control, and humor (be fun & give mixed messages by making her laugh & using playful teasing).
Learn how to be funny, and at least, laugh at yourself. Do something "excellent" in her presence and leave at the moment of your triumph. Always leave them wanting more by excusing yourself right after you get a good laugh, do something impressive, or produce a good feeling inside her.
Also, become an "object of desire" in her eyes. Be seen with other women, especially beautiful ones. Develop status in the community and optimize your physical and mental presentation... keep thin, well groomed, well dressed, and always be working on interpersonal self-improvement.
Don't be too available. And, before initiating any romantic relationship, you must wait and let them chase you first. Become the attractor.
Never rush or push a romantic relationship. If you do, it will end; because you will appear needy, desperate, insecure, impatient, and self-absorbed. Never let them know they "have" you, leave them in doubt.
HIDE THAT HIGH INTEREST LEVEL... at least until you know it is safe. At that point you are out of the "friendzone."
One of the easiest ways to get out of that friendzone and into her panties is very simple. Gentleman, hit on all of her friends; give them all the attention and very little to the "friendzone".
Take some of her friends out on dates, make a good impression with the friends. In my case I went all the way with some, but it may not work in all situations. It might send out the wrong vibe.
Do not lose contact with these women, but then spend some more time in the friend zone. Don't talk about these dates too much - short and blunt. Let her find out from her friends.
Sooner or later she is going to be dying to find out what she is missing out on.
Don Juaners, be romantic. Pick out the places for these dates perfectly, but save the very finest for the women that you really want. Start breaking some boundaries of that "friendzone", just a little at a time, and jealousy will bring her to you.
Gentleman, it works but be on your best behavior and be romantic at all times. Talk about the finest things in life, and treat her like a piece of gold. You'll see what I mean.
I was trying to date this girl for a year. (Yea, stupid me.) Anyway I was in love and she wanted to be friends. I pulled out all the stops.
Well after about 2 months she finally let me give her a back rub, after begging. Half way through it she practically attacked me. We made love all through the night.
Well the next day and on forth it was "It was too soon, I just want to be friends" again. If I surprised her she would kiss me but if it was a situation where it seemed right she would pull away.
So I started dating her sister. I told her, "Gee, you told me we were just friends" and this drove her nuts.
Yea, she was totally pissed at her sister. But guess what I got again. Plus I got the sister also.
So now we are just friends again because the sister is better and is more interested in me. She treats me like a king. So see ya friend, this is what I was looking for!
I remember reading a tip sent to me on this list. It was about a girl & guy in college. He made his move once and never got anywhere. He decided to play it safe and never made another move on her... even though, it turns out, she actually wanted him to.
I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago. I made a move on a girl I really liked, and found out that she didn't like me that way. I thought she did, she gave off all the right signs. (Crap!)
Most guys would've run off with their tails between their legs & confidence busted. But I played it smart, like a true Don Juan. I kept in contact with her, because of the close knit network of beautiful female friends. (Smart!)
As time passed, I gave in to the "just friends" thing and said f-it. Christmas was here, & we made plans to hangout. I wasn't planning on receiving a gift from her, but I did. It was an awesome present that only a car guy would like. A perfect gift for yours truly.
I felt bad that I never got her anything and decided, since I really didn't have the extra money, I'd just make her something. Over the months that I knew her, I soaked up some valuable information, what she likes, what she wants, etc. So I drew her a picture of all this stuff and framed it. (Horses & junk.)
I never knew the effect it would have on her. After she unwrapped it, looked at it and basically melted right in front of me... I knew I had won the battle. I played it off like it wasn't a big deal, gave her a wink, & decided to just keep partying and had a great time.
Next day she calls me & wants to hang out. Weird, but good.
She comes over with her sister and we hang out for a while. Secretly, she sticks a card filled with all the good stuff guys like to hear under my pillow. (Which I never got to see till the next morning, because I ended up staying over her place.)
Something so simple like that is all it takes to win a girl over. It has nothing to do with money, power, or the car you drive. This girl was stalked by millionaires and chose a poor artist over them all.
Something as simple as a drawing can mean so much to someone who has never received a gift from the heart & hands.
I am proof that persistence pays off.