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Building Rapport

by SeƱor Fingers

Rapport n 1: relation of trust between people. 2: a feeling of sympathetic understanding [syn: compatibility]. 3: in accord, harmony. 4: having a mutual, especially a private, understanding.


I used to marvel at my friend Ace.

He would approach girls and they'd end up telling him their life stories and falling in love with him. I learned the most about rapport from this guy because he was a natural. He could really feel people out and even get clues about their personality and background just from looking at them.

He would make commentaries on groups of people and describe the relationship and dynamic between them based on their body language and relative position to each other. Truly amazing!

I would watch him approach and he would always give the target a good once over with the eyes, squinting thoughtfully. He would then turn to me and break her down, saying she doesn't like her job, she's probably from out of town, etc.

It was amazing how spot on this guy was. He used this skill to create instant connections with people.

The secret to acquiring this skill? Quite simple really. Pay attention! People give you so many non-verbal clues that you are doing yourself a disservice by ignoring them.

- The Guessing Gaze

This is your first rapport exercise. Do exactly like Ace and make stories up about the people you see. You don't have to approach them (although you know I will recommend it for practice). Simply observe them.

How are they dressed? What is their posture? Do they make eye contact? How do they react to their environment and other people? In other words, pace this person. Put yourself in their skin and try to understand where they are coming from. Develop your intuition!

- Fluff Rapport

Getting in tune with visual cues is only the beginning. People will provide a wealth of information with their words if you, that's right, pay attention to what they say.

First you have to get the fluff down though, try not to tell her any of this info until she asks for it. Names, addresses, birthdays, jobs etc would all fall under this category. It's okay to divulge this info, but keep things moving along otherwise you will slip into boring Interview Mode.

- Wide Rapport

You direct the conversation to the external world and create a shared reality. After I fluff a bit, I close in on her in this broad fashion, because it is disarming and casual. We exchange simple ideas and perceptions and find things in common, and as I gain trust I circle ever closer and ultimately switch into...

- Deep Rapport

You direct the conversation to the internal world and unravel the person you just met. It's amazing because when you create deep rapport you are essentially distorting time. You accelerate the process of knowing someone by reaching deep down, past their social masks and find out who they really are.

It's interesting how sometimes I can meet a total stranger and end up connecting with them to the point where I understand them better than their closest friends do. I don't even do anything that special. I just listen and ask the right questions.


I recently met my match though. An intelligent young woman who managed to unravel my life and tell me things about myself even I didn't know! She was very sharp and asked a lot of questions. Normally this would annoy me, but she asked such great questions that I truly enjoyed answering them. She made me see rapport in a whole new light.

A snippet of our convo for your enlightenment:

ME: (Already talking about myself a lot)

HER: This is interesting!

ME: Hey this is not fair! Here I am yacking away and you haven't really told me much about yourself!

HER: Haha! I am sorry. It's just that I am a better listener than a talker. Plus, you speak so well that I am enjoying this one-sided exchange.

ME: That's pretty funny. Though, you do realize that your silence is now telling me more about you than your words ever could...

HER: Wow. You are really a profound person. (pause) Do you find that most people don't understand you?

ME: That's a good question. Umm. Sometimes I feel this way, but I don't think it's that people aren't capable of understanding me. I think they CHOOSE not to understand me. I am pretty much an open book if you ask the right questions, as you already know. The problem is that most people are not as inquisitive as you are. They are content to only know the superficial ME. It's almost as if they are intimidated by the infinite depths I personify, so they try to fit me into their little category and leave it at that. To be honest with you, right now you know a lot of things about me that my closest friends don't know. You are a regular Barbara Walters! Just don't try to make me cry and we will be cool!

HER: Ha!


The result of this conversation? She has become one of my dearest friends and I would probably have a raging case of one-itis for her if she didn't live so far away. BTW, she is not particularly hot, HB 7 at best! She still makes me laugh and see myself in a different way every time we talk.

This is the art of rapport. Realizing that everyone has certain feelings and secrets that no one else has bothered to unearth. Unlock these emotions and you will have a special place in their hearts!

- When to use Rapport

The first thing you need to ask yourself is what kind of girl are you dealing with? Also what are you looking for? Decide and adjust your game accordingly.

Is she a party girl? Lookin for a one night stand?

If so then the attraction you have built is probably enough to get you into her pants as long as you tease her physically and get her all worked up. In fact, I have found that party girls don't usually dig rapport. They would rather get laid than get to know you.

Is she a nice girl? Lookin for romance?

If so then usually attraction is not enough. She needs a deep connection with you before she will let you anywhere near her goods, otherwise she feel like a slut! This is where rapport comes into play.

Here are some techniques to help you create this connection and also improve your communication skills......

This article is continued here.