Your Negative Self-Image Is KILLING Your Chances with Women
For most of my life, I believed that I did not have what it took to get a woman to be attracted to me.
I listened to all the people around me who continuously told me how unattractive I was (and it is amazing how easy it is to find people who love to tell you this), and so I always felt that I was never good-looking enough, or funny enough, or rich enough, or cool enough to be attractive.
As a result, I completely blinded myself to the possibility of anyone who I was really attracted to ever wanting me back.
Sure, I had a few one-night stands with women that I thought I had a chance of getting. (And surprise, surprise — every woman that I felt confident of picking up, I DID!). But the women that I really wanted, I would just hang around and be their friend, and never ever make a move on. As a result, despite being in my late twenties, I have only ever had one relationship.
I decided that I was tired of being an AFC (average frustrated chump) after a girl I really liked and did the total AFC thing with for a month (spending every night with, listening to her problems, always having time for her, etc.) completely blew me off after having a one-night stand with an as##ole musician who never called her back, and then having his friend come around trying to pick her up because (and I quote) "He liked a challenge."
To say that I was hurt by this would be an understatement. I felt this was just another example of me being a total loser who lost out again to smooth-talking clowns.
But then I began to think about her behavior with me before this one-night stand.
I Had No Confidence At All
She started off just being really happy to see me and always having time for me, which should have been enough to let me know what her feelings were for me. However, I still continued to act like we were just friends because I couldn't believe a woman this hot would ever see me as anything but a friend.
She then started accepting dinner invitations from other guys (she is the sort of girl who gets hit on all the time) in front of me. I took that as just another sign that she wasn't really interested in me. The fact that she kept on canceling these invites every time I mentioned that I wanted to do something that night didn't click for me either.
Four nights before she had this one-night stand, she invited me up to her apartment for "a glass of water." I, in an unbelievable display of denial, said "No, I am feeling kind of tired." So I went back to my room.
After a little while, I got bored so I gave her a call and asked if I could come up to see her. When I did so, she was dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and pants. So what I did do? Absolutely nothing!
Four days later, she had her fling with the dumb musician, and had lost all interest in spending time with me.
After thinking about this, my first important insight came to me:
IT WAS MY OWN FAULT THAT I LOST HER!
It was me who refused to believe that she could be interested in me.
It was me who never made a move on her, despite her offering herself on a platter.
It was me who frustrated her so much that she had a one-night stand with someone else, and then not wanting anything to do with me.
This realization hit me like a sledgehammer.
I thought it had hurt before when I had just assumed that someone more attractive had taken a girl I genuinely wanted a real relationship with away from me. But when I realized it was my own fear and lack of confidence that was responsible for what happened, I felt like absolute crap.
Then I began to think about the previous girl who "broke my heart" under very similar circumstances.
She too was someone I had spent lots of time with, only to suddenly have a fling (this time with an Irish backpacker who, of course, never called back) and then suddenly lost all interest in me. With this one, I had actually asked her out after she had had this one-night stand, and she basically let's-just-be-friends-ed me.
At the time, I felt quite bitter about this. Why would she give herself to some guy she had only just met, but turn down a genuine relationship with someone who cared about her?
However, when I examined the situation again in the light of my most recent experience...
I Saw Things In a Whole New Light
I recalled how she would always ask questions about whether I would date a Caucasian woman (I am Asian-Australian). I remembered how she would always speak negatively of my ex whom she had met a few times, and comment on how she would treat me better if we were dating. And most of all, I remembered one night after a Christmas party, she invited me back to her apartment, sat herself next to me on a couch (despite the fact that there were three other couches in the apartment) and told me that she always wanted to date an older man.
Of course, I did nothing during any of this, and she had her fling a week later.
It again hit me. She had wanted me all that time. But because of my own lack of confidence, she ended up getting frustrated and went off with someone else.
To say that I was devastated by this realization would be an understatement. I had let two really special girls slip out of my hands. There was nothing wrong with me. It was just my own lack of faith in myself that had caused what had happened to occur. The thought that I had let this happen more then once hurt like hell (and it still feels quite painful as I type this).
But I then realized that all this pain would go to waste if I did not try to learn from this experience. So what did I learn?
1. You May Already Be a Don Juan and Not Realize it...
When I realized the two girls I had most wanted in the last couple of years had felt the same way about me, I began to seriously reconsider my own self-image. Sure I am not model-handsome, or Bill-Gates rich, or smug and cocky. But I realized that there were other qualities that girls found appealing.
The most important step for me to take if I was ever going to enter into a real relationship again was not improving myself (though that is important too), but opening myself up to the possibility that women could find me attractive and be receptive to the signals.
2. There Is Only a Limited Window of Opportunity with Each Woman...
In the two examples I detailed above, my mistake was not to make a move early enough. By waiting so long, I had lost my opportunity, not only because (and here I am only hypothesizing) my hesitation caused them to see me as being either cowardly or inept, but because they eventually got frustrated with waiting and moved on.
So if one is to be a true DJ, one must recognize the signals of interest soon enough or else lose the opportunity.
3. The Friendship Zone Is Overrated...
I know that the "friendship zone" is a popular topic of discussion here. My recent experience has lead me to believe that the occurrence of this is overstated. Many times we hear about guys hanging out with a girl as friends in the hope of a relationship or a fling starting at some point. So why can't girls be guilty of the same behavior?
I am the sort of guy who has always had lots of female friends, and when I look back at several of these friendships, I realize that there was (and is) definitely attraction present. While I am feeling a little too exhausted to go into full details at this point as this posting is already a lot longer then I had intended, I will share one small anecdote.
A few weeks after I came to the realizations I describe above, a girl I had known for about a year came by to have a few drinks. She is quite a stunner, with gorgeous red hair and deep green eyes.
In the past, I would have just chatted to her like a good little eunuch and not made a move on her. However, with my new perspective, I decided that I would make a move. While I do not want to go into too much detail, let's just say that I wasn't feeling any pains from rejection the next morning.
The one comment from this girl that struck me the hardest that night was when she said:
"What took you so long?"
In other words, she had been interested for quite some time, but had never said anything. And this is someone I had always just seen as a friend before.
So to me, often the "I don't want to risk the friendship" talk appears to be a more polite way of saying "I am not attracted to you" or "I may have been attracted to you once, but that window has now closed."
If a girl finds you attractive, the fact that you are friends will not stop her from wanting a relationship with you.