What to Do If She Has a Boyfriend
Question: The girl Iím hot for has a boyfriend who doesnít fulfill her. She says she loves me, but wonít leave him for me. I keep waiting, but it only seems like they are getting closer. Yet she says she is unhappy with him. When will she leave him for me?
Answer: The answer is NEVER. The way you have things set up now, she will never leave him for you.
This is a classic male dilemma. She says she wants a guy like you, but, somehow, she stays (and gives sex to!) the guy who she claims to not like. You donít like this situation. Why would you?
Youíre problem is that you think that because you are unhappy, and because she is unfulfilled, it means that she will inevitably leave him and go out with you, instead. You tell yourself that all you have to do is wait, and the situation will eventually cut your way. But it doesnít ó in fact, the more time you spend with her, the more it seems like she is committed to her boyfriend.
The problem is this: The way you have things set up now, she is getting everything she wants, and has no incentive to change anything. She says she is unfulfilled by her boyfriend, but the fact that she stays with him belies that she in fact DOES get something out of it. It fulfills some subconscious need of hers that you will probably never understand.
The truth is, you are unhappy with this situation, but she is just fine. She can have hot sex with her boyfriend, then complain to you about how unfulfilled she is, and you give her love and support unconditionally. She has everything she wants, and she will NOT leave him for you, as long as this is true.
If you want this to change, you have to take some risks yourself.
Here are the risks you have to start taking, today, if you want to turn this situation around:
Pursue other women.
If you want to turn her into a lover, it is crucial beyond words that she not be your one-and-only-hope for sex. You must be pursuing other women, flirting with other women, romancing other women and being sexual with other women.
It will give you a sense of patience with your "friend," remove any sense of desperation you may be feeling around her and make you less available - and thus more attractive - to her.
Act like a lover, not like a female friend.
Pop quiz, hotshot: what does a man who becomes a womanís friend do differently with her than another woman would? Answer: nothing.
Moral: if you want a woman to see you as a sexual man, rather than basically as an ugly woman, then you must act differently than another woman would. This is true for women you are just meeting as well as for women who have known you for a while and already think of you as a friend. Bottom line: you must flirt with her, weird as it may feel to you the first time you do it. You must flirt.
Start doing all the flirting moves. You must ask, "Whatís the story behind that?" You must practice Situational Flirting and the Goodbye Introduction. You must conduct Romantic Conversations and Deepening Conversations. When you start incorporating these behaviors into your life, women will not wonder whether you are a wimpy friend or a potential lover. Youíll be a potential lover every time ó or sheíll get rid of you.
(see How to Talk to Women for more about these skills)
Be upbeat and be busy.
The chances are you are kind of depressed when youíre with her, complaining about your life and generally being a whiner. You must stop doing that right away.
She should find herself thinking, "Wow, he seems pretty happy, even without me. Iíd better get a piece of that!" rather than "Wow, this guy is a downer." You must act more upbeat, like you have something going on in your life. The best way to do this is to pursue other women (see above).
Refuse to stay just friends.
If you do what we say, things will start seeming more romantic with the woman you befriended. Sheíll either get with the program (and probably say, "Youíve changed!") or sheíll tell you in no uncertain terms that you are now and will forever be just friends. If that happens, you have to stop hanging around with her.
Without hedging, tell her, "Iím sorry, but itís too painful for me to be just friends with someone I feel this way about. Iím attracted to you." Then stop hanging around with her ó at least then youíll be doing something positive for your self-esteem as a man.
Will this make her leave her boyfriend? We donít know, but we do know it will move you in the direction of getting the relationship you want, if not with her, then with someone else.
If you want more detailed information on what to do if she has a boyfriend, please check out How to Stop Being Shy without Becoming a Jerk.
Best of luck!
Ron and David are dating coaches. How to Succeed With Women has sold over 40,000 copies. They have been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Playboy, YM, Maxim, GQ UK, Swank, Gallery, and Players. They have also been on the Rosanne Barr Show, the Issac Hays show, To Tell the Truth, Fox News, CNN, UPN, and ABC.