The Top 10 Mistakes that Blow the First Kiss
By now you realize that most of your dating problems have come from the dumb things you've done that wreck seduction situations. You've been being a friend, or treating a woman like you would a guy, or being indecisive.
Let's look at the top mistakes men make going for the first kiss, and show you how to avoid them.
Mistake #1. You announce your intention to seduce her.
Here's a very dumb thing that you may be tempted to do: tell your date that you have a seduction book, are studying it, and intend to use the techniques on her! You may think no one would be this dumb, but we've known plenty of men who've done it. Needless to say, she won't want to kiss you after that. Don't tell her you are seducing her.
Mistake #2. You offend her by saying or doing something stupid.
There's no shortage of ways to offend a woman you are on a date with. A Cosmopolitan magazine article gives a few examples of stupid things men have said or done on first dates:
* The man who asked his date, "Why is it that all the good women are taken?"
* The man who said, "I'm so intrigued by the mind of a serial killer. The rage and passion he must feel while actually killing someone is fascinating to me."
* The man who offended (and mystified) his date by saying, "I shower four times a day. I have to."
* The man who felt compelled to admit that, "When I have sex with a woman, I always have to imagine I'm with someone else."
* The man who said about marriage, "I'm not a big fan of the institution myself."
* The man who said about his ex-girlfriend, "Some people just need hitting."
* The man who invited a woman for dinner at his house, and at the end of the date said, "To keep this relationship devoid of any sense of anyone owing anyone anything, why don't you pay your half?" He then presented her with an itemized bill of what he spent.
You can also alienate a woman by discussing your love of pornography, commenting on other women's bodies, or taking a position on a political or gender issue that she profoundly disagrees with.
You can further offend her by lighting a cigar (unless she lights one first), or having a prolonged scratching session in your pants or under your arm.
If you do something that offends her deeply, back off at once, apologize briefly if you think it will help, and go on with the date as if nothing happened. Sadly, you often won't know if you've offended her. She won't tell you; she'll simply write you off, and get away from you as quickly as she can. She certainly won't kiss you.
Mistake #3. You approach the kiss as though it was a business transaction.
This is a common problem for men who want to get to the bottom line, and "get down to business." You may have this problem if you are used to the business world, or are just very practical.
Men who fall into this trap have a harder time than others accepting that they must go out of their way to make a woman feel special. They see all the work involved as false, manipulative, and dishonest. They don't like it one bit, and seem set on proving us wrong.
Sadly for them, we aren't wrong, and when the practical-minded man approaches a woman for a kiss, she inevitably ends up rejecting him. She tells him that he seems too "cold and calculating," which he is. Remember this: you want to be warm and kind, not cold and calculating. This is achieved by being romantic, doing the little things, and following the guidelines laid out in this book.
Mistake #4. You are indecisive.
When you decide to go for the kiss, go for it! Whatever method you use, this is the time when he who hesitates is lost. Women want a strong, decisive man, and that is never more evident than on the first kiss.
This does not mean that you become overly forceful, or that you ignore her if she protests. If she doesn't want to be kissed, of course don't kiss her. But you shouldn't weasel around about it. If you've done the pre-work, and she's passed the tests, go for it!
Mistake #5. You act like she is doing you a favor by kissing you.
When Pete eventually gets that first kiss, he thanks his date! This is a mistake. You can say, "that was very nice," but don't act like she's doing you a favor that is any bigger than the one you are doing her.
Mistake #6. You get flustered by minor problems on the date, and give up.
Giving up is almost always worse for the seduction than any mistake you made. Men often get flustered if a conversation doesn't go well, if she becomes offended, or if she seems suspicious of your romantic questions.
Remember, she's either going to respond to you, or she isn't. It doesn't mean anything about you. If you get flustered, you can often pretend nothing happened, and move on. She may be looking to you for verification that the date is still okay, even if there was an awkward moment or odd exchange. If you don't give up, she'll see that things are fine, and probably relax.
Mistake #7. You push too hard, too quickly.
Every seduction has its own pace. You can destroy the effectiveness of any of the technology in this book by doing it too hard, too fast, and too inexpertly. We know this may be hard to hear, coming as it does after hundreds of pages telling you how important it is that you take action in the seduction, but it's still true. You must take action, and you must also move at her pace.
Practically speaking, you must learn to pay attention to her responses. If she is consistently resistive and unresponsive, you may be scaring her, making her angry by pushing too hard, too quickly. Slow down and back off a bit.
If she says that you are coming on too strong, don't worry. It's great that she gave you the feedback. Remember that she's not necessarily telling you to stop seducing her, she's probably just telling you to slow down.
Just say something like, "Am I coming on too strong? Sorry," and compliment her. "It's just that you seem like a great woman. I'll slow things down." By saying this type of thing, you've shown her that you were only moving so fast because she's so great. By reassuring her that you will slow down, you also acknowledge that you are seducing her, and will continue. If she accepts this the entire interaction will move the seduction forward.
Mistake #8. You surprise her by trying to kiss her "out of the blue."
Women like subtly. They don't like aggressive surprises that seem to come out of nowhere. Your first kiss should be the culmination of a long sequence of demonstrations of your sensitivity to her. If your kiss surprises her and seems "out of the blue," she'll conclude you are insensitive and not desire you.
The solution is to distinguish between your desire and romantic-feeling moments, which will come and go. Make sure you kiss her in a romantic moment, not just because you are horny. Using the "announce" method will give her at a few moments to prepare herself for kissing you.
Mistake #9. You ram your tongue into her mouth.
Many women have told us about men who wrecked kisses, they would have succeeded with, by tongue-kissing too hard, too soon. The first kiss is a gentle peck, not a long French kiss. The gentle kiss acts as a prelude to a longer, more intense one. After Bruce first kissed Wendy, she said, "that was the most gentle kiss I've ever had." That's the kind of response you also want.
Mistake #10. You taste like garlic, have bad breath, or taste bad.
It's no use doing all the pre-work, passing all the tests, and really establishing a connection with a woman if you are just going to ruin it by having bad breath or tasting bad. A huge number of women have told us that men have gone to kiss them, and they were disgusted by bad breath. You must not let this happen to you.
The solution is to make good breath a priority on a date. But -- this is important -- never squirt a breath spray into your mouth in front of a woman. For reasons we don't understand, women find this a total turn-off. If you have to secretly bring a toothbrush and toothpaste to the date, and excuse yourself to use them after dinner, do so (though don't tell her you brought them). Most of the time, using some kind of breath-freshener, gum, or breath mint, will suffice.
Ron and David are dating coaches. How to Succeed With Women has sold over 40,000 copies. They have been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Playboy, YM, Maxim, GQ UK, Swank, Gallery, and Players. They have also been on the Rosanne Barr Show, the Issac Hays show, To Tell the Truth, Fox News, CNN, UPN, and ABC.