posted 02-21-2002 01:38 AM
So what makes a person an AFC? Is his style? Is it his looks? Is it the things he says? No. What makes an AFC is himself. More specifically, it is his internal scripts or mind set that makes him the way he is.
The AFC's internal scripts are varied and mostly jumbled. But there are usually three main components to them that I will discuss each in turn.
A chump has the tendency to over analyze everything and worry about saying the right thing or the wrong thing, interpreting any negative response from a woman as his doing and so on. By putting such an emphasis on the me the AFC places himself at the center of the situation and finds himself having to react and question every single little thing. He is so worried of screwing up he overwhelms himself because he thinks he must do everything right in order to get anywhere with the particular lady.
Believing that things will stay the same
An AFC takes rejection badly and thinks that because one woman rejected him, they all will reject him. Even though he may at one point think he has a legitimate chance, he becomes so worried because of the past experience that he short circuits himself and fulfils his self-proclaimed prophecy which just reinforces his erroneous belief.
Attributing failure with women as a failure in life
The AFC has the tendency to put such an emphasis on woman that she becomes the all-being consuming focus in his life. When failure occurs with a particular woman he believes that his failure in dating (just one area of his life) means he is a failure in his entire life. Such thinking leads him to overwhelm himself with a total feeling of inadequacy. With such an erosion of confidence, the chump can hardly get himself to talk to a woman anymore, much less date.
In psychology these aspects are referred to as internal (concluding that whatever happens is all your doing), stable (viewing a situation as permanent) and global (believing that what you experience in a given situation affects everything you experience) mental attributions. Studies have shown that these types of attributions are a recipe for disaster in viewing life in general and are the chief mental characteristics of people who are depressed or prone to depression.
To get an idea of the mind set, it as if I walked up to you and told you that in order not to be publicly humiliated in front of the whole world as a looser, you had to perform 800 complicated tasks perfectly with the odds succeeding around 1 in 10,000. Could you be confident in this situation? Could you remain totally calm and controlled? Would you not feel overwhelmed?
These internal scripts cause him to be overwhelmed in the presence of women which results in poor actions and behavior that causes him to fail. While these scripts may be a result of a general outlook to life, these scripts tend to manifest themselves because the chump has such an intense desire to not be alone (to have someone emotionally stimulate him) that he makes the woman out to be something far greater than she is: he puts way too much emphasis and importance in a single woman.
To make the situation even worse, a woman can tell a desperate man a mile away. A man who is needy, supplicating and clingy is the ultimate turn off.
So what then is the secret of being more successful with women? The key is to do the opposite of what the chump does. As Dex in the "Tao of Steve" says:
Rule 1 of the Tao of Steve: Eliminate your desires. If your out with a girl and you are thinking of getting laid, you're finished. A woman can smell your agenda.
When you interact with a woman and she senses no desire in you, it does a lot of things. First of all, she will feel more comfortable with you. Secondly, by her sensing you are not lusting after her, it causes her to become confused as to why you are not lusting after her like every other guy does: it makes you stand out. By not overtly desiring her, you become a challenge. Because of the affront to her ego, she all of a sudden wonders how she can make you become more attracted to her or at least notice her. Finally, you will more easily have fun and be more fun to be around which will make women respond more positively towards you.
So how do you eliminate your desire?
To answer this question, we must understand what desire really is.
The essence of desire is wanting things to be other than present experience is. In otherwords, the AFC is focused more than outcomes rather than focusing on the present moment. This is the entire key.
The AFC, after meeting a woman for the first time, is usually so caught up with her (imagining things like marriage, great sex, how a great person she and so on) he builds a complete fiction of who she is because he desperately wants her to be that special someone. When he finally goes on the date, he worries so much of saying or doing the wrong or right things (concerned with the outcomes of his actions or words) he is rarely even mentally there with the woman at all. Instead of concentrating on finding out who she really is, he acts and prances about under the pretense that he already knows who she is – that special woman. But of course, this “special” woman is nothing but a self-imposed fiction.
Because of his intense desire, his ego becomes inseparably involved in the process and the AFC tries to impress her or put on pretenses so as to tell her that he is better than all the rest of the guys she has been with. This type of act actually psychologically tells the woman that he is in fact insecure because he feels the need to remind her that he is better than all the rest.
All a woman really gets from this guy is a nervous, conniving, needy, blabbering fool that appears more occupied in himself than her. Because the guy is not really in tune with her (not really in the moment with her because of his chief concern with the outcome of the date), she senses that the craving is not for her at all but something from her: sex. Like Dex says, "A women can smell your agenda."
The essence of the chump’s problem lies in wanting the woman existing in front of him to have a higher interest in him than what the apparent situation presents her interest as. More simply, the AFC wants the woman to like him so he tries to do things to make her like him. This is a chump in a nutshell.
After seeing what desire is, it becomes apparent how to finally eliminate desire.
If desire, as I so define it, is wanting things to be other than they are, then the elimination of desire is simply accepting the situation as it truly is, or to put it another way, going with the flow of things in the current situation.
As Dex says,
Look at me. Technically, I shouldn't get laid, but I do. And you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman that's all I doing: hanging out, talking, listening, and I'm not sitting there thinking how I can get in bed with them.
When you are immersed in the situation and not worrying about the outcome, you concentrate on the situation instead of the outcome of the situation. By so doing you become more fully present in the moment, unlike the chump that mind is elsewhere.
As the Buddha stated to a man who wanted a succinct teaching:
In the seeing, there is only the seen. In the hearing, there is only the heard. In the sensing, there is only the sensed. In the thinking, there is only the thought.
When you are out with a woman, simply be with the woman. When you are talking to her, simply talk to her. When you are kissing her, simply kiss her. Get rid of the idea of a date in your mind. Simply think you are going to meet a woman, not a special woman, not a beautiful woman, not a woman who will satisfy your desires, but simply a woman.
When you are in the state of just being present in the moment with her, you will naturally exude confidence, control and challenge because you are not trying to be anything and you are not trying to achieve anything. The confident man doesn't even think of confidence, he simply is. The controlled man appears naturally in control because being in control is not an issue for him. Finally, the man who is a challenge is not needy because he doesn't need the woman; he derives his pleasure from situations with a woman and not the woman itself.
This type of state, where a person is fully present, is what Dex refers to as "being Steve." Everyone has experienced being in the "flow" or peak states where tasks appear to be done effortlessly. Dating is no exception.
Whereas the chump goes ahead and tries to force things to happen, the Don Juan allows things to happen. In a true Taoist fashion, it is when we are trying the least that we achieve the most success.
Most importantly, when you are "being Steve" you are naturally having fun. If you are dating and not having any fun, you are simply not dating.
Above all else a woman loves a man who naturally appears to have his act together and is fun to be with. Such a man, for all intensive purposes, is free and is loving and living life. And when you are simply enjoying the moment, a woman will want to enjoy it with you.
Enjoy life with or without women and simply be.
[This message has been edited by DarkDream (edited 02-21-2002).]