posted 11-19-2001 01:00 AM
This weekend I had
a chance to go to our new chatroom and talk for a while with one of our younger DJs.
We were the only ones on and he asked me for some advice about a girl from his high school.
As he explained the situation I started to feel a little sad for him. You see he was going on and on about every little thing this girl had done and said over the last couple of months.
Well, until not too many months ago I used to do that sort of thing myself. I know the feeling of obsessing about what a girl is trying to tell you:
Is she just being nice? Does she REALLY like me and I'm missing some sort of sign that's obvious to everyone else? Should I ask her out? Should I back off for a while and see if she pursues me? What should I do?
There is a post going around tips right now that reminds me of this sad state of mind. In it, a DJ is trying to be helpful telling us to pay close attention to a woman's actions for clues to what we are or aren't doing wrong. It's as if the woman is some sort of superior being whose needs and desires we ought to be trying to figure out and satisfy before she even asks.
It is our task to go around saying 'Hmmm... what does her highness want today? Is she happy, or not. If not why not. Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do? What if shes trying to tell me something I'm doing that is pissing her off and I'm just not geting it. OMG, what if she's getting ready to LEAVE me and I'm so dense I can't even see there is a problem?
Of course this is a one-way deal. If we want something WE have to ASK her for it. No going around wondering what her man might be thinking or feeling. No. If he has a problem with something he better just spit it out. And then the woman can either CHOOSE to try and do something to help the situation, OR she can just try to make him feel guilty for daring to suggest that something she is doing may be less-than-perfect.
This guy I was chatting with was already doing this with a girl... and they weren't even going out together. already he felt the need for clarification of her intentions, he felt romantic desire for her, he felt like knowing what she was thinking...
But those needs, reasonable though they are, he is allowing to go totally unmet. Why? Because he thinks that if he trys to kiss this girl, or tells her he wants to get with her, it might make her think she was doing something to lead him on when she wasn't, or make her uncomfortable. Her ANTICIPATED needs and desires, over-rule his real ones.
Sad. Very sad.
The girl had been really flirting hardcore with this guy. She already has a boyfriend, but that isn't stopping her I guess. He wanted my advice on how to handle her. I told him you have to make a move on her. next time she is getting touchy with you, kiss her on the lips. If she doesn't let you, then you say 'What's the problem? You've been all over me like white on rice for months now. I think you owe me an explaination.'
If she says anything other than 'ok, you're right, I was just surprised that's all' and lets you have that kiss, then you totally cut her off. No more of your attention goes her way. Period. Make sure when she is around that you are polite with her but distant, and always pay mor attention to the other girls around.
He sat there a minute then said:
'Dude. You have just told me exactly the right thing to do. and I know I'm not going to do it.'
I told him not to worry about it. and that really is my advice. Especially if its some girl giving you mixed signals. Just make your move. you will know instantly whether she was really interested or just bull****ting. then you don't have to wonder anymore.
You owe it to yourself guys. don't obsess over what some chick wants. If shes mad tell her that you don't know what she's mad about but you think she ought to go home, cool down, and call you later to talk it over. but be firm that you are not going to let her 'punish' you by staying around you acting *****y cause she's in a snit.
what if she leaves? big deal. Plenty more good ass where she came from. This is not being a jerk either. this is just being a strong, confident, honest man. It's also expecting to be dealt with in an honest way by any chick that you are considering allowing into your life in a major way.
Ok, I'm done preaching now. like Dr. Laura says: 'Now go do the RIGHT thing!'