Occasionally, I will direct a question to the female subscribers in certain issues of The Don Juan Newsletter... help us "clueless" guys out a little so to speak. Hereís what they have to say...
Do You Judge a Man Based Upon How He Kisses? Lousy Kissers Make Lousy Lovers?
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Judging a man by his kissing technique is like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Nobody is perfect; a bad kisser could have a brilliant personality, and vice versa. If he is good then Iíll feel more comfortable with him, therefore making the grounds of the relationship firmer. But if he is considerably bad, then I must admit, it would refrain me from kissing him too often, and I would be tense when he tried. Therefore the relationship would probably never happen the way it would of if he was good.
However, it would be fairly shallow of me to entirely judge a man by this. And if he is worth having a relationship with, then something small, like the way he kisses, can be changed in time. My advice to men is donít rush into a deep passionate kiss without taking note of how she likes the gentler kisses; donít run before you can walk. I personally donít like quick and hard kisses, they give me the impression that he is just playing and isnít romantic or sensitive.
Kissing tips - start softly and gently and let the passion build. Too much, too strong, too soon turns a woman off.
Yes, I do judge a manís "lover potential" on how he kisses. I think that if he is a "prude" kisser (i.e. stiff, no variety, quick and without any passion) he will also be a prude in bed. It makes sense doesnít it? I canít imagine a man who is an exciting, passionate and adventurous kisser NOT also being an exciting, passionate and adventurous lover... and vice versa. Also, it is a really bad sign if a man does not want to kiss, does not seem to enjoy kissing, and does not have the desire to kiss on a regular basis. It usually isnít until I kiss a man (and not just a peck) that I really feel those physical sparks.
There are definitely exceptions to this. I donít think that all good kissers are good lovers. I think there are a lot of men out there who kiss well because they have kissed so many women, and some of those men are just plain arrogant and donít care about the woman. I definitely wouldnít judge a man entirely on his kissing style.
On the question of a good kisser... well, first I believe you canít judge a manís love making style on his kissing. What makes him a good kisser to one woman may be different to another woman, just as the sexual techniques that drive one woman wild may leave another woman filing her nails and asking: "Are you done yet?"
Recently, I found myself critiquing 2 different men on their kissing styles. I tried to let each know what they did that I didnít like so that they could improve. One kisser had pushed his head forward so far toward mine that I felt trapped between the back of the couch and his head. It felt like something out one of those swashbuckling romance novels. A girl should have a couple inches available behind her head to back away (and maybe come up for air) during parts of the kiss. Otherwise itís too overwhelming.
The other kisser - well, actually he had 2 problems, but I only told him about one. The first was that he assumed I wanted to French kiss. WRONG!! Go in for the regular kiss, feel her out. See if she would be receptive to a French kiss. Then proceed G-R-A-D-U-A-L-L-Y. (Thatís the part I didnít tell him.) The second problem was that his lower teeth were ground down a bit (by his dentist) and quite sharp. They were like sandpaper against my tongue and lips. So I let him know and it went a bit gentler after that. Donít get me wrong. Iím sure I have a lot to learn too. Some guys want their tongue to feel like its stuck in a vacuum cleaner, some donít. (I donít.)
Yes, we rate a man based upon his kiss. It goes back to the old wives tale that your husband is supposed to make your knees weak with his kiss. A kiss is like a romantic handshake - itís your calling card. If a kiss is rushed too soon, or too sloppy, or too hungry, the effect is the same as a weak or too-friendly handshake... weíre turned off. And the old adage rings true - never trust a man who keeps his eyes open when he kisses.
With my past experiences, a man does not have to kiss well in order to be relationship potential. However, when a man is smooth in his kiss, and takes charge, it is a definite turn on. From my own personal experience, I went on a date with a guy I knew just as a friend for a couple of months. After the date we both knew that the "kiss" was coming up. He didnít seem to make a move on me so I leaned over and kissed his cheek. And as I was getting out of the car, he took my hand, pulled me back, and said, "this is how you do it." The kiss he gave me was so passionate, and smooth, that we still talk about it. We are still together after 2 years. You could say that he was charming from the beginning.
Itís not just a manís ability to kiss, but his willingness that women judge. I have been involved with the commitment-phobe who initially kisses and woos a woman, but when her interest is sparked -- backs off of anything romantic or sensual, and avoids eye contact and kissing.
Usually a person who is a good kisser is someone who didnít lose their virginity until later. They had to express themselves sexually through kissing for a while and therefore were forced to become a good kisser. This does not necessarily mean that they are good or bad in bed, but a bad kisser is often someone who didnít need to get good at kissing to get off (in other words got a lot of sex at a relatively young age, when the rest of us were practicing kissing).
These are also often people for whom the novelty of sex comes with a new face rather than getting better as you get to know the person you are sleeping with. (Its amazing how many people have not yet figured this out.) Many times good looking guys (and girls as well) are worse in bed than bad looking ones. This is because good looking people have never had to work to turn somebody on.
In general, I find that to be true. I went out with someone (whom I had met from one of the paid personal ad sites) whom I liked, but when he started to kiss me, I got turned off. He practically ate my face, slobbering all over the place! I hated it, and the relationship went nowhere. There were other reasons, but his kissing was a big turn-off.
Iím not sure that you would never go out again with a guy who is a bad kisser, but it certainly makes you take pause.
Turn offs in kissing:
* bad breath (very strong garlic or beer when the woman hasnít indulged)
* having a tongue shoved so far into your throat that it stimulates your gag reflex
* having someone suck around your lips like a vacuum
* having intense, crushing pressure on your lips when you arenít in a frenzy too
Basically, I think itís a matter of sensing where the other person is & responding to it. You start out gentle, no tongue, and work up to tongue, pressure, intensity. You give the other person access to air (e.g. donít block their nose) and follow where the other person goes. If they are tentative, stay gentle; if excited, get more intense.
Iím not sure if I judge someoneís sexual abilities by their kissing; I judge sexual abilities more by what they say and how they dance. If heís selfish, rude, talks about himself, he cares about his own feelings/satisfaction. If he asks about you, heís more likely to be a sensitive lover. Itís the same deal as with kissing... he judges where you are & responds in kind, also uses a little creativity. If he dances sensually and creatively, heís aware of his body (and probably more fun). Size is, honestly, irrelevant.