Occasionally, I will direct a question to the female subscribers in certain issues of The Don Juan Newsletter... help us "clueless" guys out a little so to speak. Here's what they have to say....
How Do You Let a Man Know that You're Interested in Him Romantically, and Not Just as a Friend?
If I'm attracted to a guy, I don't treat him like a buddy. I don't talk about my dating troubles, or where I can meet men. I flirt - look directly at him when I talk, give him a big smile, and my body language should be a dead give away. I will touch him as much as possible while talking - his arm, his shoulder, his hand.
As a rule, if I am not attracted to a guy, I will do everything in my power not to touch him, or make eye contact. I will treat him like a brother, and I will share my dating woes with him - like I would any girlfriend.
With me, I find that it is really difficult for a casual observer to tell the difference between when I want "just good friends", which I tend to want a lot, and when I want to be romantically linked with a guy. In both instances, I find that I like to be in the guy's company and faffing around, even if it is just sitting down and watching videos. If I am romantically interested in a guy however, I find that I would be more interested in listening to him, than in talking about me. I also find that I am more careful about my manners in his presence, and will not pick my tooth with my fingers (e.g.).
On the other hand, if I plain consider him as a friend I will probably deliberately "burp" to irritate him, same as I would with female friends, and tend to be less concerned about proving my independence - but if I am all civil, and behaving like he personifies wit, they I am definitely waiting for him to ask me for more than a date.
Touch has got to be the key.......I want to touch him. Sit next to him, touch his arm at the bar, hold his hand, brush against him when walking......definitely touch.
If we just met and he's attractive to me I listen to him intently, look in his eyes when he's talking, smile at him, flirt a little, maybe touch his arm while I'm talking. If I like him I'm interested in getting to know him better. I'll ask questions and encourage him to ask me questions, I'll laugh at his jokes, I'll ask about his friends, family and hobbies. If we're on a date and the date goes well I'll want him to kiss me at the end of the date. I'll hope he calls soon after the date and when he does I'll make time for the call and initiate conversation. I'll be excited about going out with him again. I will want to spend time with him so I'll make time. I'll want him to be affectionate. I will be excited about meeting his friends and him meeting mine. I'll tell him things like, 'I had a really great time with you'.
If I think of the guy as just a friend, I will still talk with him and want to get to know him better and I'll probably smile when we talk and laugh at his jokes... but I won't be as available to hang out with him as I would be if I were interested in him romantically. If I just want to be friends, I will make that very clear at his first sign that he wants to be romantic. I will be more laz-e-fare when he asks me to do something again (I won't sound as enthused or excited as I would if I was hoping for romance). I'll discourage any affection (besides maybe a hug). I'll act more like a buddy than a date. I may talk about ex-boyfriends or dates I've had with other guys....
First, the following remains true: "Most women prefer to give off subtle little signals of their interest and hope the men will recognize them. It then becomes the responsibility of the men to initiate whatever relationship develops."
It's not such much that this is what women PREFER to do, but society tells them it's the only acceptable behavior to have, unless one is ready to run the risk of being considered too "aggressive."
The more aggressive attitude is only acceptable, I think, in certain northern European countries where men and women are practically on equal footing, such as Scandinavia or even Germany.
I also want to emphasize that I'm giving you this input from my (strictly northern European/American) viewpoint (i.e., I have no idea what would be acceptable for example in the Middle East!).
That said, what do women do? I guess it's acceptable to flirt a bit, talk to the guy one likes every time one has a chance, never ignore him, reply to his e-mails (or even send him one). E-mails are more neutral than phone calls, because it's not as direct and one has the option of not answering the e-mail, or waiting before one answers. Avoiding a phone call, for the target, is more difficult, and therefore can be unpleasant if the attention is not welcome.
Ok, everyone likes to give off little signals to the person they like, even me. But there is a line between being too subtle and getting the person's attention. You have to exchange the random touches of the hand and stuff like that while keeping enough distance not to seem desperate. If my feelings are completely Platonic, then I won't touch and stuff Like that because that is how I treat my friends, that are guys. If I Like a friend than I will treat him exactly the same than I would a normal guy I Like... but that's just me.
I am 30 years of age and recently read a book called "What Men Want." by three single men. What I learned from that book is that if a woman is interested in a man she should give a signal. This may be a long stare or a whispered hello. Even a wave. Something to indicate her interest.
I used to ignore the guy I was attracted to. Where did that get me? Nowhere. Also self-confidence is the key for a man to be attracted to a woman. If she's got that, she's got a lot going for her already.
Before I started going out with my boyfriend I made it quite obvious that I was into him. I'm usually an outgoing person but I became shy around him. I also flirted a lot. Like I found reasons to touch his arm or play with his hair. Since I'm outgoing I just hugged him a lot and I sat on his lap and I even kissed him. If those weren't obvious signs that I was into him then I don't know what.
