Nice Guys and Jerks
Women - Page 1
I'm a 34 year old female, never married, no kids, looking for a good guy to love and have a fun, happy long-term relationship with. I'm exceptionally attractive, intelligent, athletic, and successful in my career - the woman all you guys are chasing. Also the one who sometimes spends Saturday night alone because no one has asked me out - you all think I already have a boyfriend so you won't come anywhere near me! Stumbled on your newsletter and subscribed to learn about men. You've got great stuff to read!
My 2 cents about the nice guys vs. jerk guys... until a woman is mature enough, really knows herself and is ready for a solid relationship, I believe she will gravitate towards the "bad boys." Those relationships don't last, which deep down is fine with her because she doesn't really want it to.
However, when she grows up (as I now have) she changes her definition of what's interesting and attractive - the stability and predictability of a nice guy become magnetic. So guys, don't lament the departure of a woman who wants a bad boy. Wait for a woman who appreciates you.
I think there's a way for men to be a little of both, which should help you land the girl you're after. Here's how it works for me.
If a guy is truly a jerk - bad manners, cruel, etc. - I can't imagine any but the most messed-up women going for that. But there is certainly an intrigue to a guy who's a "part-time jerk" - and all that means is keeping a woman a little off balance. Be unpredictable.
Don't turn into a puppy too soon. That is a major turn off to either sex. The real lure of a jerk is that they don't need you. They have a life. You may or may not be chosen. The real appeal here is that the pressure is off. This also works on men. (Hence the wild success of "The Rules".)
Confidence is also a terrific turn on. Now you guys may be thinking: "How can I be confident when I'm not sure she likes me?" The secret is not in being confident about that, because that is an unknown at this point. What you want to be is confident in general about yourself... or at least act that way. The woman you want, no matter how she haunts your dreams, is not the last woman on earth. Act as if you know you could always get another. Treat the woman you want a little like a woman who you're not terribly interested in.
Too much too soon is also the kiss of death. Don't send flowers more than once early on, don't overwhelm her with gifts. It gives the impression of either desperation or that this is your routine and you use it on every woman you date. There's nothing like a little anticipation.
Also, don't attack her physically. Be cool and casual and throw in about half the affection you'd really like to show. You can always get more involved as time goes on, but it's hard to go back. Make HER want YOU. The day she initiates something, you'll know you've struck the right balance. Even if she says she likes a certain move of yours, don't do it so often that it becomes routine.
Another trick is to be very cool and macho in public but incredibly tender in private. It makes a woman feel special to feel that she's the only one who gets to see this side of you.
Don't think women don't like nice guys. There is an initial appeal to a jerk, but it doesn't last long. As long as you don't act desperate and have a little something going for you, believe me, a nice guy CAN finish first - and with the girl of his dreams.
Generally, I prefer nice guys; I mean, nobody likes being treated like an idiot or a doormat. It's just, sometimes I'd like to go out and do something different, unusual, slightly insane..... and most nice guys I know have absolutely no sense of adventure. I don't want to insult them, but some of them are kind of set in their traditional ways. Which makes them come across as rather boring, even if they aren't necessarily.
Of course, with most jerks, you have to convince them it was their idea in the first place, but they're a bit likelier to go along with it. It's also the sense of danger, of not being quite in control. The age-old fascination of playing with fire, or grabbing the tiger by the tail.
As a woman, I can say that I think most women do prefer nice guys with a lil bit of jerk mixed in...otherwise nice guys get boring. But too much jerk is just too much and I'll dump a guy if he's a big jerk. So a combo of the two is the best.
I am a woman and I have to agree that for some ridiculous reason we are attracted to jerks. Maybe because they are somewhat intriguing and their affection has to be earned and of course for better or worse, things are never boring when you date a jerk. The problem with nice guys is that they are just too easy to get. They don't propose any challenge in the "mating game."
Although I was formerly a jerk junkie, I have found a wonderful "nice guy" and our relationship is better than anything I could imagine with a "jerk." So my advice to the nice guys is don't come on so strong, play the game a little, show that you're not afraid to live on the edge. But make it clear that the woman will always be treated with respect and adoration when with you.
I, too agree that woman seem to be more interested in a man who doesn't seem interested in them. I am guilty of this. I have had many nice guys pursue me and always go for the "jerks". But something caught my eye, that if men show some kind of jerk-like characteristics every once in a while then a woman will be interested. All men in one way or another are jerks, nice or not. So men don't have to intentionally be jerks on occasion, it just comes naturally.
Simply, the mother instinct in a lady wants to help the jerk. All of the other guys are nice — a very vague term.
Married to a man who became a jerk when he became disabled. After 8 years of no sex, 3 of no kisses or hugs, and slaving on-call 24 hours a day while he yelled his head off at me and ordered me around and woke me up up to 5 times a night. He is temporarily in a nursing home and I am having a torrid affair with the nice guy, husband's best friend, who I met 10 years ago and have always thought if I were free I would grab. After a comment from him that I questioned him on, we found out that we cared.
He discovered it the night I flipped my car and he did not know if I were hurt, alive or dead and my husband did not know either but only asked his aide to find out if the car was still drivable. Which would you pick. I get 100 kisses a night (and as an obese woman) it has to be love for him to be so wonderful and so caring and so sweet. Cannot be with him much but just to think of him gives me shivers. All the single women passed him by, but every married woman he knows thinks he is tops.
Took him a long time to get over having his best friend's wife, until she decided for divorce and he had not caused it. Gets tears in his eyes when he remembers how unhappy and lonely he was before and how happy I make him. Even if friends find this oh well. Did my time. My turn. Have a great day.
Nice guys vs. jerks isn't the real issue here, it is all about confidence. The major difference between nice guys and jerks is this: if a nice guy has the guts to approach a woman who has caught his attention, he is so worried about saying the perfect "nice" thing that he will totally flub it. The "nice" one ends up stumbling away from the object of his desires with his tail caught between his legs ... for those who don't already realize, this is NOT the impression you want to make!
A jerk, on the other hand, appears to have been blessed with ability to approach anyone and say just what's on his mind completely disregarding any of the repercussions. He just does it. I have no clue how he does it. But DAMN, the man who has the confidence to accomplish that has caught my eye for the night whether he wants it or not!
Julie ~~ currently attached to a "nice guy" who actually realizes his capabilities are sky high. He has kept me completely captivated for two years now and we are still going strong.
I think it all depends on what kind of person the lady is in the first place. If a woman is a jerk, she'll tend to like the jerks as well.
I, on the other hand, do not find jerks appealing. I actually am self-conscience around them b/c I don't know if they'll suddenly say something mean about me... just for laughs.
I do not smoke, or drink..... and I like nice guys that are the same. I find funny, intelligent, well-mannered guys the best around. "Jerks" are immature, and you can't relax around them. They're always trying too hard, and they probably won't amount to much at all.
If I know the guy is nice, I'd rather go out with him, knowing he'll treat me like a lady, not like one of his slacker, loser "jerk" friends. That's what means the most.
What is a Nice Guy? What is a Jerk? Is a nice guy that handsome looking one which knows everyone and has women all over him and being w/him makes you feel like a winner? Or is he the one that isn't very handsome, doesn't know anyone, nobody you know has any interest in him, but he adores you, fills you with presents and treats you like a Queen?
Is the Jerk the one that is not very handsome, is very clumsy, but will treat you as good as can get, do anything for you, make you feel like a queen? Or is he the handsome looking one which knows everyone, too many women like him, he likes too many women, but being with him makes you feel like a winner?
The first example in the questions are how men see it, the second is how women see it.
Women won't want someone that nobody else wants, because that makes her think that she is not getting the best. The answer is that simple.
I am a female... and I like nice guys... perhaps when I was younger and immature I would have liked jerks... because I didn't know then what I know now. I don't have to settle for a jerk as a date or a lover ~~ I can have a nice guy that treats me how I deserve to be treated... NICELY... in all aspects. Jerks want sex to please them. Nice guys will please the woman too... and the story goes on... Hope this helps on your survey.