What Are Your Goals? Girl-Friend or Girlfriend?

by Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Dr. Neder,

I have a friend who I've gotten very close to in the past few months and I think I'm falling in love with her. I haven't said anything to her about how I feel because I'm not sure if the time is right.

You see, she was seeing this dude for a while but has since been in a holding pattern. I don't think they have officially "Broken Up" but I can see it coming.

I love our friendship and would hate to screw it up by jumping the gun. Do I wait or do I express my feelings? I feel some strong vibes that she may be interested in me, but she won't act upon it. How can I reel this one in?

Thanks much,


Hello Stressed-Out!

Here's a sad-but-true fact: it's easier to steal someone else's girl than to keep your own!

Of course, this may work to your advantage, but consider this: if, for any reason this DOESN'T work out, you're definitely going to lose this girl as a friend. On the other hand, women don't really make good friends for men anyway.

Why not? Because, in most cases, women's male friends are really just like boyfriends; she'll call to bend your ear when she's been hurt by her boyfriend, she'll call you to fix her car or if she needs a ride somewhere, she'll borrow money - in short she'll treat you just like a boyfriend - all without the sex!

Another thing to consider: While it may be easier to steal a girl than keep one, by far the most difficult thing is to turn a female friend into a girlfriend. Why? Because, as her "friend" she doesn't "see you that way." I don't care what vibes you're getting.

After all, if she is: 1) having trouble with her current boyfriend, and 2) she's interested in you - then, why hasn't she made a move, or at least let you know that she's interested? You see, women control the speed and direction of the relationship. That's just the way it is. Men have been falsely told that it is THEY who do this. Wrong, my brother. Don't fall into that trap.

Ok, so are you doomed to admire her from afar? No, but here's what you're going to have to do.

1) Get over the friendship. If you are interested in pursing a relationship with her, you're going to first have to give up the friendship. If you're not willing to do this, forget it.

2) Help her see her current boyfriend's, er, problems! Well-placed phrases like, "Gee honey, you really don't deserve that kind of treatment!", "You deserve so much better than that!" and "You know, I'd never treat someone I loved like that!", etc., will go a long way to driving the message home.

3) You've got to change her thinking. Women organize men into two categories: boyfriends and everyone else. Right now, you're in the "everyone else" category - right smack-dab where you don't want to be! Thus, you've got to get her to start seeing you as boyfriend material.

How do you begin item #3? Simple - start ACTING like the boyfriend. Call her up one day and say, "Hey - it's me. I don't know what plans you have for Saturday night, but cancel them - I'm taking you to a nice sunset dinner." Be somewhat subtle, but firm.

If she tells you she's got something else planned, just repeat, "I don't care - just cancel it and I'll pick you up at [whatever time]." Women absolutely LOVE this bold, powerful approach. Believe me, I get letters from them every day!

Two other points. First, don't take her to a movie, concert or show on your first 3-4 dates. Why not? Because you're going to use this time to talk to her. Not as her friend, but as her lover. Find out about her deep-down. Get to know about her wants, her needs, etc. Find out exactly what she DOESN'T like about her boyfriend, etc. In short - focus on her.

The second point? Make sure you give her at least a goodnight kiss! If you don't do this starting with your very first date; she's going to think you've just become the very nice friend that takes her to dinner - and you're back to square one. In fact, you're worse-off than before!

Also, if she balks, she's telling you that she doesn't see you this way. Again - two choices: accept it and get scarce - give her time to miss you and hopefully time to begin seeing the possibilities; or begin working to counter her reluctance. Say things like, "I understand you don't see me this way YET - but I know you very well, and this will be the cornerstone of our relationship."

Good luck.

Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com