Nice Guys vs. Good Men

by Scot McKay

We know that "Nice Guys" tend to end up in the dreaded "Just Be Friends Zone". But that doesn't stop women everywhere from claiming that's what they really want in a man. So what's the deal here?

As often seems to be the case, the true answer is a disarmingly simple one. "Nice" behavior by a man in and of itself is not what differentiates "keepers" from the "rejects" in the minds of women. To the contrary, it's all about HOW the man presents himself.

Make no mistake, it's not necessarily the I/Js (Idiot/Jerks) who get women -- ESPECIALLY the highest echelon of women. Being "good" or "bad" in and of itself is NOT the key, despite what you may have heard elsewhere. In fact, being a "bad boy" is at best a quick-fix for getting some women... any women who'll take him, as long as she's "hot".

Whether they are "good" or "bad", it is my informed and therefore strong opinion that guys rarely if ever get tossed into the "friendship" pile if they have succeeded in any way, shape or form at creating ATTRACTION. Sure, there's the rare instance when a truly sharp woman recognizes that a guy is flat-out no good for her despite her overpowering desire for him, but let's face it -- that wasn't a GOOD MAN she was dealing with anyway. And you know by now that we LOVE truly sharp women around here.

So here it is: The difference between a genuinely good man who ATTRACTS women and one who ultimately does not is centered around from what position he is coming from in performing his "good guy" behavior. Men who act "nice" from a position of WEAKNESS end up rejected. Men who are in a position of STRENGTH, yet who treat women well often make women so crazy for them that they have more options than they can handle.

As always, I'm happy to break it down for you. Here are some key differentiators between "nice guys" who finish first and those who...well...don't.

(Having Come from a Position of Weakness)

1) ...Capitulate to Women's Whims.

"Yes Dear." "Whatever you want, honey." Men only say this to avoid conflict (at best) or (at worst) because they pathetically think that their efforts will somehow impress a woman. Women smell insincerity a mile away. Sorry.

2) ...Is Afraid to Lose the Woman He Is With.

Therefore, he literally bends over backwards not to "upset" her or say the wrong thing. Despite the obvious desperation involved here, arguably the most unattractive aspect of all this to a woman is how BORING it is.

3) ...Has Zero Leadership Ability.

Guys often hear that "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". So the thought process is geared toward letting them make decisions and letting them get what they want. Unfortunately, women have a level of respect for a man that correlates to his level of leadership in a relationship. Zero leadership equals zero respect...which, logically, equals zero second dates.

4) ...Lacks Confidence.

If you are worried she won't like you she probably won't. And similarly, if you act "nice" because you haven't the courage to stand up for yourself, she'll likely walk all over you...disgusted by every second of it.

5) ...Has Thinly-Veiled Ulterior Motives.

Nobody likes to be "brown nosed" or "buttered up". There is no more blatant display of viewing a woman as a purely sexual object than to go overboard being "nice". She knows, you know and the rest of the world knows you wouldn't be so "nice" if she wasn't so sexy. Consider how weak this appears to a woman. End of story.


(Having Come from a Position of Strength)

1) ...Treats All Women Well, Regardless of Sexual Attractiveness.

Guys, take this test for yourself: Do you open doors for ALL women, or only for the ones who look good. If the latter, don't be so shocked that your dates slot you in the JBF zone so much. Your "nice" behavior is all about manipulating women into giving you what you need. Start appreciating women more genuinely, and you will begin to be more genuinely appreciated. Is this really so difficult to get?

2) ...Is Not Focused on "Getting Some".

Sex-starved men stay hungry. Men without pressing sexual needs cause women to feel more comfortable in their presence. Ironically, women who are comfortable around a man are more attracted...and ultimately more sexual. So the pattern operates.

3) ...Takes Charge.

Such a man does not sheepishly ask a woman her preference and thereby let her dictate the flow of a date. A Good Man has paid attention and learned what makes the woman tick. When the date comes, he has the plan completely handled. At the end of the evening, the woman is often flabbergasted at how "perfect" her evening full of surprises was. But the Good Man with leadership ability knows it was all no accident.

4) ...Has Options.

Therefore, he succeeds in causing the woman he is with feel to particularly valuable and special. She views herself as the "winner", and rightly so. Other women want this guy, but she is with him. That feeling is a good one to have. If a man can inspire a woman to feel valuable OR special he's on the right track, but getting both right is an unbeatable combination. By the way, contrast this scenario with the weak man's cavalcade of compliments and/or gifts designed to help him somehow manipulate a woman's attraction.

5) ...Has High Standards.

This means the man is EVALUATING the woman he is with rather than attempting to impress her. He has complete control over his dating life, and as a good man is confident enough in his character to realize that women worth his time and effort will recognize that and be impressed without his having to press the issue.

Once again, men have been brainwashed in this culture into believing that all male behavior is bad behavior. Yet, women continue to seek out real men. The tragedy is that most men have either given up on being good men entirely and gone to the I/J "dark side", or they wallow around in an asexual virtual mudpit of being too "nice". Either way, the casualty is that magically gallant true masculinity that women STARVE for.

Come on, guys...get it figured out and go get the amazing woman you deserve. Ladies, keep the candle burning. We're busy around here building the population of real men for you. Will you be ready when you finally meet one?

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Scot McKay is a dating coach in San Antonio, TX and founder of X & Y Communications, a one-stop-shop for dating resources. He is the author of the new book "Deserve What You Want", and hosts the popular podcast series "X & Y On The Fly". He may be reached at or on the Web at or