Handling the Rude Response

by Dr. Dennis W. Neder

In my experience, people (even women!) usually aren't rude without some reason. For example, if you approach some woman and she reacts badly, the problem isn't you (as long as you were reasonably respectful and courteous) the problem was with the woman.

You have no way of knowing what kind of day she had. Perhaps you are the 8th guy that hit on her that day, or maybe she just broke up with her 5-year boyfriend.

So, the first point is this: don't worry or be bothered by it if she's rude! Just realize that she's in a bad place, and that it's not your fault. Maybe her mother never bothered to teach her any manners.

In fact, you can even go the other way - give her kindness back. Here's a great example:

One time, I was in a restaurant with a date. The restaurant was full, and the waitress was hopping just to keep up. When she walked up to the table, I asked her a question. Her response? "Did you read the menu??"

Now, I could have reacted and threw it back in her face. Instead, I said, "Look, it's very busy in here, and you're obviously under a lot of pressure. Everyone seems to get hungry at the same time! We're going to be here for a while, and are not in a hurry. Why don't you take care of some of the other people with less time, and we'll be here when you're ready."

She stopped and looked at me, paused, and said, "I'm sorry for being rude, it's really been a day here. What was it you wanted to know?"

So I persisted, "No, that's ok - go get some of the pressure off, we're not in any hurry."

She came back with, "No, really, I'm very sorry and want to help you." We got great service from that point on, and she even made a point to stop me on our way out and thank me again for being so understanding!

In a first-meeting situation, you can use exactly this tack too - just say something like, "Look, I'm sorry you're irritated - I really don't know what your day has been like. I just thought I might try to brighten it a little. I hope things get better for you." Then walk away with your pride intact.

Let's look at another situation, you're chatting up some girl at a bar, or elsewhere, she seems interested, but is trying to bust your chops. This is a completely different situation entirely. She's trying to throw you off-balance, but is expressing interest as well. Here, you want to try to use humor.

Humor is difficult for many people - some are just not funny! You can learn to be funny, but it takes practice. For example, if she were sitting with her friends and tried something like that with me, I'd look at her friends and in a loud-whisper say, "Yeah - I remember MY first beer too!"

Perhaps she says something like, "I don't talk to strangers!" My response? "Well, how do you know I'm a stranger if you've never met me?" Humor can go a long way.

The last point is that you can't just rely on one or two approaches to determine how women will react to you. It's a man's job to make the initial approach. It may seem unfair, but that's the way the game is played. You've got to go through many, many of these to gain the experience to handle them.

One idea that I teach guys in my "Hunting Sessions" is called the "20 No's". This means that you go out over a week or two and actively seek 20 "No's" from women.

Why would you do that?

Because: even as special as you are, you're not so special as to fail every single time! Dispersed among those 20 "no's", will be at least a few "yes's". So what if you get 20 no's, when you've got 5 yes's to work on?

To summarize, first, don't be bothered by someone's rudeness - that isn't your problem. Your problem is to learn basic social skills and to use them. The second point is to be somewhat prepared for situations through study and experience. The last point? Dating is a numbers game. Use the numbers to get the success you want!

Good luck, much love...

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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com