The Confidence Treadmill

by Carlos Xuma

I've seen it all. Or, I should say, I've read it all.

I've been through every site and every method out there for handling women and the dating scene. I've bought the books, the tapes, reading everything I can get my hands on. Alas, I haven't found that one elusive and cure-all secret, and that's quite simply because it doesn't exist.

We (men, in general) hunger for more self-assurance in our ourselves and our dealings with women. Ironically, the one factor that every site/article/system/method cites as its primary foundation is -- you guessed it -- your confidence.

Confidence isn't a state you achieve, although it can occasionally feel this way. Confidence is a cycle, a treadmill, if you will, that you need to learn how to initiate for yourself.

You see, confidence feeds back on itself, and this in turn (like a nuclear reactor with its control rods pulled out) creates a chain reaction of energy that only serves to elevate you to the next level.

Nothing succeeds like success. If you're confident in yourself, there's no way she can bring you down.

So how do you get that confidence? The simple advice is to just DO IT.

I really hate re-treading slogans, but that one nails it on the head, friends. The only cure to all your problems is to feel the fear, the insecurity, the angst, the wild-Watusi -- whatever -- but DO IT ANYWAY.

Feel insecure? Great. Go ask for her number.

Feel unhappy? Didn't get a raise? Great. Go call her and ask her out.

No, really, do it. NOW. Act in spite of it all.

It's all about posture. They don't know that you're feeling the way you are unless you A) Tell them, or B) Don't do anything. You see, the truth is that if you don't do it, your situation doesn't get one bit better. If you do something, you'll reap rewards.

Even if you don't get the results you want, you'll still feel better having done something anyway. Waiting is just a clever way we invent for making it okay to go on losing. Remember: It's better to regret the things you did than the things you didn't.

Sure, your mood will interfere and tell you that you're not the stud you think you are. Doubts, those evil hobgoblins of us all, creep in and tell you that you're just another dweeb that doesn't deserve her love or attention. Insecurity.

Don't you believe it, damnit.

What you need are your own personal rituals you can create that get you into the right frame of mind and keep your confidence treadmill oiled and running strong. I do the following things to keep myself confident and motivated:

- Write on the mirror. I have a dry erase marker in my bathroom that I write messages on my mirror with. Whatever you can tell yourself that gets your day started off right.

- Keep a list of your strengths. I have a list of my top twenty-five traits that make me a BLESSING to any woman lucky enough to get my time, my energy. This is your power to walk, if it comes to that. Posture.

- Make a list of her traits. What do you want your magical woman to be like? If you don't know, you better figure it out quick. It's really not about who we date and marry, but how we avoid the ones we shouldn't be with. Think about it. If you're single, be glad you've got opportunity instead of crying in your beer that you're alone. Ever see (been) a guy in a crappy relationship? Everything is relative, my man.

- Make a list of her faults. This is perspective medicine. If you can stop thinking of her as perfect, chances are you will be better able to handle your moments of insecurity.

- Keep a journal and/or a collection of notes. I do both, journaling my day-to-day experiences (much cheaper than a therapist, and more effective), as well as keeping a document on my PC at home and work with motivational insights and advice. Keep your perspective. Review these notes as much as you need, and especially when you're feeling the slide into insecurity.

Especially important is to find the strength to avoid your bad moods. Not that they won't come to haunt you, mind you, but that you can't let them take over and force you to dial up Betty at 3:30 AM some Saturday.

Remember that every insecure mood you've ever had has passed by. EVERY one of them. Don't take action when you're in a bad or insecure mood. Resist the urge. Wait it out. It sucks, and you'll be so tempted to do something. And it will seem SO urgent.

Don't do it! Breathe. Hang loose. If it's a good decision, you'll still feel like doing it when you're feeling secure and confident again.

And one more thing: I've noticed that men have the uncontrollable habit of wanting to get inside the woman's head. You know, one minute you're wondering if she's thinking about you, the next you're imagining scenarios that have your gut in an acidic boil and your temples throbbing.

"Does she like me? Where is she? Why doesn't she return my messages?"

Stop obsessing. Stay - out - of - her - head. If you cross over from thinking about your personal space, your life, your confidence, whatever is immediate to you and your happiness, you're in the wrong part of the field, my man. This is a downward spiral of madness that will spell your doom. Control your thoughts, or your confidence will vaporize. (This is where not placing all your hopes on one woman would be the best advice I can offer.)

So there you have it. Some advice from the trenches.

Now go out and DO IT!

Carlos Xuma