How to Be Less Needy

by Ivan

We've all heard it -- Don't be needy or desperate with women.

Sure you say, but how? How can I be interested in a woman, desire her, show my interest in her and get things going, if it means she'll see me as needy and no challenge?! A no-win situation right? Wrong.

The key distinction here is between "want" and "need".

When you want something, it means that you recognize that it may bring you benefits, pleasure and solve some problems.

When you (think you) need something, on the other hand, you go way beyond this to think that if you don't get what you want then it would be awful and unbearable, that you literally need what you want in order to be happy.

But this is all wrong. You can intensely want something, and yet accept that you can still have a good enjoyable existence if you don't get it. You can accept that if you don't get what you want, then sure, you'll be disappointed, but that you can live with that disappointment, but you're no less of a person, and have an unchanged ability to enjoy yourself and enjoy life.

This shows two ways of being less needy with women.

(i.) Recognize that you, your self, your life is not just your present circumstances, but all your history and memories and every thing, every connection in every sphere of life fanning out from it.

That can't possibly be much changed by not getting a relationship with a particular woman you are attracted to. Literally sit down and write a big interconnecting web-diagram of all the things in your life, right from year earliest memories, and then see that the part that sex and relationships play in it leaves a much smaller gap than you think. Small compared to how big your life is when considered this way.

(ii.) Deeply embrace the distinction between want and need. With women, this means recognizing the distinction between a desire and a demand. To pursue a woman, obviously you desire her, and of course she wants that too. She wants you to want her. What kind of relationship would it be otherwise?

But she doesn't want you to be demanding. Demanding means not accepting it when things don't turn out as you desire or want. It means, literally, being able to accept rejection with dignity (though with honest disappointment). It means being persistently interested (desire) but without being pushy (demanding). It means boldly and assertively making your desires and wants known, but not thinking that it is the end of the world when you don't get those desires fulfilled.

It also means, among other things, being more relaxed about the outcome of an encounter with a woman. That is, being more accepting about the outcome whether it is the one you want, or the one you don't want.

You let go, go with the flow, become less controlling and intense, stop trying to impress her, and instead naturally focus of getting to know her and getting her to know you - i.e., making a connection. You know what you want, so you state it to her clearly, but always with the attitude that whatever happens is OK, and that you can handle it, and get on and enjoy life after you've acknowledged your disappointment.

When you really "get" this - you'll find that women start describing you as "confident".


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