What to Do When a Woman Flakes on You

by Ron Louis & David Copeland

Question: I was talking to this girl I liked, and I got lucky: she told everyone she loved me and I thought that meant she wanted to date me. Sad to say I was wrong. I asked her out and she said no! She smiles every time she sees me, and looks at me and stuff, but doesn't want me! What the hell is going on?!

Answer: Okay, here goes:

You are facing one of the common problems that ALL men face: Women flaking out on them.

Everyone who interacts with women and dates has women flake out on them. We do. You do. The best seducers in the world do. And it will happen again. It's part of being a seducer. If women flaking out is something that devastates you, you better learn to have a thicker skin and develop a higher capacity to deal with it, because women being flakey is not going to go away.

The good news is, you had the guts and balls to ask her out. It was, in fact, the perfect opportunity. Even though she said no, you still acted like "the man," and displayed courage in going for it. You now know that you have what it takes to ask a woman out. Next time, it will be A LOT easier.

But back to talking about flakey women: Women act odd and unpredictably, often even more so when they ARE interested in a guy. It makes no logical sense, but there you have it.

Believe it or not, you are actually a problem for some women who are interested in you. Think about it this way: She has a pretty orderly life. You pose a threat to that orderliness. You represent risk to her. You are someone who could break her heart, knock her up with a baby, take up weekend nights, and cause her to be vulnerable as hell. Therefore, in her flakey little mind, it makes sense to NOT go out with you. Besides, this way she has all the power, and that is often something women love, too.

The Solution

First off, you better be out pursuing other chicks. If this woman is your one-and-only hope, then you're really in trouble. So, go out and start pursuing A LOT more women. This will help you by giving you more confidence in your life, and this girl will also find you more attractive because you will be less needy and less available.

Second, you might want to take a break from her for a few weeks. This sends a message that you're not willing to merely be a supplicant and just another guy who pursues her over and over. Pursuing a woman over and over often puts you in a "one down" position relative to her. It's frustrating, ineffective, and often makes the situation worse rather than better.

Third, to get a more accurate read on her, we recommend asking her friends about her feelings for you. They might have information about her that you could never guess. You can also convey your feelings to her through her friends. That way she can find out your true intentions from someone she trusts.

Fourth, without selling out, or being a lowly friend, you could ask her out again. If you do ask her out again, make sure to offer a specific time and place. Plan an event to take her out of her normal routine.

Fifth, run the Rejection Process on yourself until the "sting" of her rejecting you is gone. Do this each and every time you get rejected.

The 3-step Rejection Process goes like this:

  1. Remind yourself that dating is a numbers game. You'll probably have to hear a certain number of "no's" before you get a "yes." Remember, this is one more "no" out of the way on your way to a "yes."
  2. Change your interpretation of why she rejected you. Rather than deciding she rejected you because you are a loser, decide it was about her and with her life. You might decide that she rejected you because her dog died, because she's having her period, or because she's a lesbian, or because she has an early curfew and cannot be out past 9:00 PM.

    Remember, just because an explanation is painful doesn't mean you need to believe it. Find an explanation that is not painful for you, and practice believing that.
  3. Re-direct your attention to something else. Don't dwell in the rejection - find something else - anything else - and let yourself get absorbed into it.

Sixth, after the sting is gone, look at what was missing in how you asked her out. It could have been perfect, but perhaps there were elements that you might want to do different next time. Use this as a learning experience, and mine the gold from it. The process of examining what went well and what could be improved will also help you to get over rejection more quickly in the future. It will rapidly help you become much more effective in your seduction skills.

Best of luck!

About the Author: Ron and David are dating coaches. Their book How to Succeed With Women has sold over 40,000 copies. They have been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Playboy, YM, Maxim, GQ UK, Swank, Gallery, and Players. They have also been on the Rosanne Barr Show, the Issac Hays show, To Tell the Truth, Fox News, CNN, UPN, and ABC. For more great tips on meeting and dating women or to ask a question go to howtosucceedwithwomen.com.