How to Turn a Woman from Friend to Lover

by Ron Louis & David Copeland

Yes it is possible to turn a woman from a friend to a lover, if you know what to do -- but even then, it won't work every time.

Some women keep you as a friend because you've been too scared to make your romantic interest known, or you've made a bunch of bonehead mistakes, and alienated her (at least temporarily) from being romantic. Perhaps you've made fart jokes, said callous things, or treated her like a buddy; nothing too serious. These are women you've got a shot at changing into lovers.

Other women have you squarely in the "just friends" category, and you ain't goin' anywhere, pal.

These woman may be married or in relationships, may be difficult high-maintenance women, or -- the sad fact -- simply may not like you very much, and keep you around for when they have nothing better to do. You are unlikely to turn these women into lovers, but by trying, at least you'll get them out of your life, and clear some psychic space for women who do want to be sexual with you.

So what can you do to get "just a friend" to become your lover? Let's look at the basic primer on friends-to-lovers, Louis and Copeland style.

1) Pursue other women.

If you want to turn a friend into a lover, it is crucial beyond words that she not be your one-and-only-hope for sex. You MUST be pursuing other women, flirting with other women, romancing other women, and being sexual with other women.

Pursuing and being successful with other women is the only way to have real freedom around the "friend" woman you are trying to seduce. It will give you a sense of patience with her, remove any sense of desperation you may be having with her, and make you less available -- and thus, more attractive -- to her.

2) Act like a lover, not like a female friend.

Pop quiz, hot-shot: What does a man who becomes a woman's "friend" do differently with her than another woman would? Answer: nothing.

Moral: If you want a woman to see you as a sexual man, rather than basically as an ugly woman, then you must act differently than another woman would. This is true for woman you are just meeting, as well as for women who have known you for a while and already think of you as a "friend."

Bottom line: you must flirt with her, weird as it may feel to you the first time you do it. But you must flirt.

So often a man who ends up a woman's "friend" falls into the trap of wanting the woman to feel comfortable, above all else. Consequently he is indecisive and appears weak to her, always nervous, always waiting for her to relax before he relaxes.

He doesn't ever flirt or say anything romantic, because he doesn't want to risk making her uncomfortable. Only if he had a clear signal that flirting was okay would he do it. This will never work.

If you are going to be seductive with a woman, you must be willing to provide the certainty in the interaction that everything is okay -- even if it's romantic. That means that you believe it's okay, and let her know it.

You don't act like there's a problem -- you act like everything is great! Since she's probably been looking to "you" and your behavior to know how to feel about things, most of the time this will actually help her relax.

3) Be upbeat and be busy.

The chances are, you are kind of depressed with the female "friends" you want to have sex with, complaining about your life and generally being a whiner. You must stop doing that right away.

She should find herself thinking, "Wow, he seems pretty happy, even without me. I'd better get a piece of that!" rather than "Wow, this guy is a downer."

You must act more upbeat, and like you have something going on in your life. The best way to do this is to pursue other women (see #1, above).

One man we know did this with a woman he was interested in. She had dated him a few times, then decided they should be "just friends." ("I'm very excited," is how she told him. "I'm excited you are going to be my best friend." Arrrg!)

He started following the dating fundamentals aggressively, and soon found himself being sexual with another woman. From that place of sexual abundance, he was able to be happier and less available around the woman who wanted to be "just friends."

He told us "She called to tell me she'd be too busy to see me for a while, and I was able to honestly say it was just fine -- that I was really looking forward to seeing her, and that we'd get together whenever we both found the time. Her response? 'But I really want to see you!' By being happy and busy, I've been able to keep her pursuing me, and I'm confident I'll end up in bed with her."

He's free to be patient with her, to work the seduction slowly, and is not attached to the outcome. Be upbeat and busy if you want to turn a friend to a lover.

4) Refuse to stay "just friends."

If you do what we say, things will start seeming more romantic with the women you befriended. She'll either get with the program (and probably tell you, "You've changed!") or she'll tell you in no uncertain terms that you are now and will forever be "just friends."

If that happens, you have to stop hanging around with her. Without apologizing, tell her, "I'm sorry, but it's too painful for me to be 'just friends' with someone I feel this way about. I am attracted to you." Then stop hanging around with her -- at least then you'll be doing something positive for your self-esteem as a man.

5) Don't backslide.

If she goes for it and gets romantic with you, you may be tempted to fall into the trap of acting like a friend again. Don't do it! Follow seduction protocol, as outlined in our book "How to Succeed with Women."

Best of luck!

About the Author: Ron and David are dating coaches. Their book How to Succeed With Women has sold over 40,000 copies. They have been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Playboy, YM, Maxim, GQ UK, Swank, Gallery, and Players. They have also been on the Rosanne Barr Show, the Issac Hays show, To Tell the Truth, Fox News, CNN, UPN, and ABC. For more great tips on meeting and dating women or to ask a question go to