Do Women Really Want to be Friends First?

by Ron Louis & David Copeland

Dear Ron and David,

Why is it that so many women post online personals ads with lines such as "Friends first" and/or "No head games please," when these statements are, as I've surmised from your book, contradictory to reality?

Why do they say this stuff so frequently, if it isn't true?

Thanks for the help,


Hey Dave,

Thanks for writing! Yes, it is true that women very often ask for "friendship first" when the truth is, once you became a friend, they'd never be interested in you in a million years, ostensibly because they "don't want to wreck the friendship" -- code for, "You don't turn me on, you're like another woman to me, I have no sexual feelings for you." So why do they say they want friendship first?

The truth is, it's all about safety. Remember, for a woman, safety is always a foremost concern. That's why in How to Succeed with Women we spend so much time talking about helping her feel safe with you.

Men often ask us, "If women are so horny, like they often say they are, why don't they just go up to a guy and say, 'let's have sex'?"

There are two reasons.

First, a woman doesn't want to have sex with a "friend," as it will make her feel like a slut, because she knows her friend well, and will have to see him again. It's too real to her. On the other hand, she won't go up to a stranger and ask for sex, because a stranger could very well be dangerous.

So she's in a bind...on the one hand, she can't have sex with a friend, without being reminded of her slutty behavior every time she sees you (thus "wrecking the friendship"), and on the other hand, she can't ask a stranger for sex, because of the very real and intelligent concern that he might end up being a violent psycho. This safety fear is much more present for women than you probably think.

So when she asks herself, "What kind of a man am I looking for?", she naturally wants one who is safe -- like a friend -- but still sexually attractive to her -- like a stranger. Thus she says, "Friendship first."

She doesn't want friendship, she wants to feel safe, yet excited. The problem is, most men who are good at making women feel safe do it by going the "friends" route, and end up never getting sex, just hearing about her sex with other men when she comes to him to cry about how bad some other guy is treating her.

The trick is to be willing to go slowly -- like a "friend" -- while at the same time making your romantic interest known right away, doing the flirting moves, conducting romantic conversations, and doing everything we talk about in the tape series.

You may even tell a woman you want to go slowly, too, if this is true for you -- most of the best seducers know that being willing to go slowly, while still being romantic, is a great way to get women in bed.

The world of casual sex is much more dangerous for women than it is for men. She wants safety, and asks for friendship. If you can go slow and still be romantic, she will feel safe with you and excited by you, and you'll be off to the races!

About the Author: Ron and David are dating coaches. Their book How to Succeed With Women has sold over 40,000 copies. They have been featured in magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Playboy, YM, Maxim, GQ UK, Swank, Gallery, and Players. They have also been on the Rosanne Barr Show, the Issac Hays show, To Tell the Truth, Fox News, CNN, UPN, and ABC. For more great tips on meeting and dating women or to ask a question go to