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The Six Don Juan Commandments of Body Language

by Allen Thompson

Let's talk a little bit about body language.

I spent several years studying body language. Reading every book, every article, every thing that I could find in a quest to unlock the hidden meanings in our movements and gestures... essentially to be able to read someone else's mind simply by observing their body movements. It's quite a fascinating area... and I still dabble in it from time to time.

The only problem with reading the bodies of others, or using your own to project the suave, charismatic image you'd like, is that most of these "little signs" you read about are useless. Interesting, but useless. You simply can't look at any one particular body cue, or even a few of them, and conclude, with any level of certainty, what another might be thinking or is going to do. Body gestures and movements always have to be viewed in groups, and placed in context... to be of any use at all.

And viewing groups of movements and attempting to interpret them in relation to the context is just way too much info for a normal person to cognitively process during the course of his or her daily interactions. After all, how are you going to be charming, and witty, and intelligent, if you're constantly obsessing over another's every little movement in an attempt to figure out what they might be thinking? "Let's see, she's scratching her nose, adjusting her skirt, crossing, no uncrossing her legs... Oh my God!"

Now if you had the other on tape, and could watch his or her movements over and over again, then you might be able to make some reasonable guesses as to what they may be thinking. But again - useless in everyday life.

Nevertheless, there are a few BIG cues that mean BIG things - usually. I'm going to go over six of the biggest and give you a few suggestions on how to use your body in order to project an image of charm and Juanism. These are very simple things that you can do to increase the probability that others, especially cute girls, will come to like you. Simple movements, essentially, that will draw women to you like a magnet.

So, without further ado, here are The Six Don Juan Commandments of Body Language.


Thou Shalt Master the Smile

The simplest, most obvious, and most powerful of the body language  commandments.

Smiling conveys, both instantly and clearly, many wonderful things about yourself. Smiling demonstrates confidence, friendliness, a positive attitude, a good mood, and it gives the impression that you're someone who is, most likely, fun to be with. It's also very difficult to ignore. (A Don Juan is never ignored.)

Smiling also conveys to women one other very important thing. Smiling tells her that you're probably not dangerous.

Always remember, you're usually bigger and stronger than the woman you're talking to. So one thing that's always going to be running through the back of her mind when she's first getting to know you is: "Is this guy dangerous, violent, or crazy. Would I feel comfortable being alone with this guy? Is he going to hurt me?"

Smiling helps to alleviate this fear. And by simply alleviating this one fear of hers, you automatically increase the probability of her accepting your invitations.


Thou Shalt Be Open and Inviting

This simply means being "open" and "direct" with your body.

The most obvious "closed" body posture is when you have your arms crossed in front of you... effectively providing a barrier to keep other people away and reduce the intimacy in the situation. Being "closed" also includes such things as holding objects, maybe a drink or even just your hands, between yourself and the person you're talking to... again providing a barrier to keep others away. Or an indirect body orientation, such as pointing your shoulders, body, or head in another direction, effectively directing your attention away from the other and toward something else.

Closed body postures are very common because they serve to reduce the level of perceived intimacy in a situation. When you're open, directly facing the other with your hands to the side, and possibly your palms facing up and towards the other, you're exposing or presenting yourself to them. Presenting yourself to others inherently includes the possibility of getting rejected. Since people don't like rejection, they will often "play it safe" by closing themselves up and, essentially, rejecting the other, with their body language, first - before the other has a chance to reject them.

While this may reduce your risk in the situation, it's unlikely to be of much assistance in conveying the suave, charismatic image you'd like to portray. To use your body in an "attractive" fashion, and to attract women, you must learn to keep it open.


Thou Shalt Gaze Into the Eyes

Obvious, powerful, and arousing, eye contact is one of the most potent "weapons" in your arsenal. Direct eye contact shows self-confidence (notice how those with low self-esteem usually avoid direct eye contact). It show that you're very interested in her and what she may have to say. It's hard to ignore. It boosts physiological arousal, both yours and hers, making you seem "un-boring." And, assuming you're talking to a girl you're interested in, it should make you more attractive as your pupils dilate.

Don't overdo it though. Too much direct eye contact will make her  uncomfortable, and she might wind up thinking you're a weirdo.


Thou Shalt Nod the Head

Nodding can be a tough one to master. It's one I constantly have to remind myself to do... as I'm not a natural nodder. But nodding is a very powerful reinforcer. You can literally strengthen desirable behavior by nodding your head, and weaken undesirable behavior by "withholding the nod."

For example, if the conversation is going in a direction that you like, you can nod your head slightly, and often, to make sure it continues in that direction. If the conversation starts to veer in the wrong direction, you can withdraw your attention, by not nodding your head, and stop it dead in its tracks. Then use your conversational skills to point it in another more desirable direction.

She will love you for nodding. She will literally "perk up" and become more enthusiastic when you nod in response to what she has to say.

Nodding tells her that she is interesting, that what she is saying is interesting, that she has your undivided attention, and that you're someone who knows how to focus his attention on something other than himself.

Try a simple experiment. Listen to someone without nodding and watch how they sputter along quietly and perhaps uncomfortably. Then begin nodding your head while listening to them and observe how they perk up and become more enthusiastic. The power of "the nod" will amaze you.

"Learn to nod, and the women will nod with you. Forget to nod, and you nod alone." (getting a little poetic here)


Thou Shalt Get a Little Closer

This refers to standing or sitting a little bit closer. You can also do this by "leaning" - if seated, leaning your upper body slightly towards the other person, or if standing slightly leaning your head toward the other. Getting a little closer reduces both the real and psychological distance between the two of you, helping to create a sense of intimacy or "we-ness." (In a group or crowd, if you can create the perception that you and she are "we," you're halfway home, buddy.)

By getting a little closer or leaning slightly toward her, you're telling her that you're more interested in her, and what she has to say, than in whatever else is going on around you. By giving her your undivided attention, she is almost forced to give you her undivided attention. Getting a little closer is also obvious (it can't be ignored) and helps to boost her arousal level slightly so you don't seem quite so ordinary.

The opposite is also true. Keeping your distance or leaning back or away from someone indicates that you're not really interested in them and would rather be someplace else.


Thou Shalt Learn to Touch

Touching, if done appropriately, has an immediate, almost magical effect on another person. Equaled in power only by the smile and, perhaps, eye contact, you must master the art of touching in order to have any hope of becoming the successful and suave lady's man you've always wanted to be.

In our modern society, we have become a somewhat cold, impersonal, and standoffish people, especially in the larger cities. Most people in our society are literally "starving" for body contact... "starving" for touch. So starved, in fact, that the occasional brief, friendly, touch of another - especially another of the opposite sex - can send chills up and down the spine.

The key word here, of course, is appropriate. Some women will react very negatively if you touch them too soon or too much. Like making your first move, or going in for that first kiss, your first touch has to be done at the appropriate time in an appropriate way - or you may wind up actually doing more harm than good. Always pay attention to the situation and the mood. Never force something if the situation or mood isn't right.

You judge the effectiveness of your touch, and how good you are at reading the situation, by how she reacts to it. If she seems to lean into your touch or perk up, you know you've "succeeded" in your touch. If she seems to "tense up" or pull away, this tells you that you've failed to touch appropriately and have a little more work to do.


So there they are. The Six Don Juan Commandments of Body Language. Easy, simple. Mastering the above techniques will make you so charming, so irresistible, so Don Juanish, that women will literally fight over you, tear at your clothes, and attack you on the street.

Well... maybe.

Allen Thompson
djnewslet@sosuave.com
Copyright © 2000

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