Nice Guys and Jerks
Men - Page 1
I am a guy that was considered for a long time to be the "nice guy." I was the guy that women talked with about their boyfriends, their dreams, but would not be considered for a date. What it really comes down to between "jerks vs. nice guys" is attitude. Attitude? Yes, attitude.
Women are fascinated with "jerks" and "bad boys." Why? Because both display a certain type of personality. Jerks treat women with little respect, whereas the "nice guys" give them the world. However, they have the attitude of being self assured and they have confidence. They make a stand, they show their "attitude" towards the world.
Now I am not saying that the "nice guys" need to become "jerks." Too many of them already. What you have to do is get attitude. Have self esteem, respect yourself, and number one; have confidence in yourself. Understand that you can overcome shyness.
I am a big guy, but I go out with a person that some consider a model because of her appearance. It is funny to see people's mouth drop when they see me with her. The look on their face is priceless. It's what I call the "How did he get her?" look. I very simply asked her out and showed her, you guessed it, attitude. I know what I want in life. I respect myself and her. I am intelligent, smart and funny.
On the matter of nice guys vs. jerks I wish I could say that the statement was ridiculous and of course the nice guys in the end will get the girl but it's simply not true.
Women (just as men by the way) want someone who excites them, makes them feel special and gives them a thrill on a regular basis. They want somebody who sends them on an emotional rollercoaster.
I've been a bartender in the center of Amsterdam in one of the more popular places students go to, and before I started there I was a real regular nice guy to women. I'd take my time, always was nice even when they were being a total bitch and would really try to make them feel special. And it never worked. NEVER!!
After starting my, at first part time job there, I started, as a bartender, to get a lot of attention from women. Of course I realize that this was because of my job, had I been standing on the other side of the bar I wouldn't have gotten a second look. Problem was that the place is extremely busy and there are too many girls interested to give them all equal attention. To my amazement I found out that the girls I really didn't give the time of day, were the ones that really started to like me and started to do everything just to get a hello or a kiss out of me. (In Holland you give girls you know three kisses when you say hello.)
Exploiting this my sex life picked up a great deal and it started working to outside of my work too. Having a total disinterested attitude, and being a total sarcastic bastard is for some strange reason a turnon with women. If a girl spent the night at my place and I wouldn't phone them up or react really happy when I saw them the next time the girls would start being really nice to me, and do everything to make me happy — this was a whole new world for me! And yes they would come back to my place again and everything would repeat itself.
Two years later I am now the manager of a club by the same owner and can't be as frivolous as I have been the last couple of years. Instead of the one, or whenever it's desirable, night stands I wouldn't mind something a little more lasting. Problem is that being a jerk works, but I don't want to or enjoy being a jerk to somebody I genuinely have feelings for. The other girls willingly and knowingly went for the bartender and not for me as a person, and everybody knows how the story ends if you hook up with a bartender.
But I don't have a clue what happens when I fall in love. Probably the same way as it did before I invented the jerk in me — I'll get burned badly.
And just as in the movies in the end the nice guy gets the girl, but only because the jerk has had enough of her, she can't stand being treated badly anymore. The kid she's had needs clothes and food and a father and she's now willing to choose just love or at least affection over passion. And when the jerk pops up again, she'll be totally blown away again and full of doubts for a couple of weeks. ("Have I let go the love of my life?, were the bad times really that bad?, am I happy now?")
Well that's my input and I hope somebody proves me wrong, because when it's sex I'm looking for I have the perfect life, but when it's love I'm just as messed up as the rest of you.
He who cares the least, wins.
I picked that up from Lex & Terry (Jacksonville, FL radio show). Try it sometime. Watch people in the bar. He's not being a jerk. He just doesn't really care. His actions say "I want you, but I don't NEED you." And, she works harder for his affection.
Nice guys are B-O-R-I-N-G and P-R-E-D-I-C-T-A-B-L-E. Two things that turn a woman off.
Jerks can sometimes even be nasty, but they seem to carry that nastiness with a touch of excitement, which is why most women will be attracted to a "jerk." This usually lasts until most of these women are in their late 20's or early 30's.
They are also attracted to the jerk because of the challenge to change them. Nice guys can initially give off an aura of being possessive and jealous which always turns women off.
Most women will later realize that nice guys are smart.
Smart nice guys have good jobs.
Smart nice guys with good jobs make good money.
Smart nice guys with good money provide a life of security and comfort.
Smart nice guys also make good fathers.
It takes a long time for most women to come full-circle on this principle. Nice guys are willing to provide security and comfort right from the beginning. Problem is, women in the beginning, aren't looking for that.
Women who don't wise-up until it is too late are the women with the drunk, battering, uneducated, unemployed husband. Now she has three kids and she herself is uneducated. She is uneducated because her abusive husband always "controlled" her against ever being smarter than he was. He was a jerk, and still is.
And now divorced with three kids, she says, "Why can't I meet a nice guy?"
Answer: They were there all the time years ago. Now with all your baggage, they are smart enough not to get involved with you!
I see this story unfold on a weekly basis. I work as a police officer and handle many, many domestics. Her kids will probably grow up to mimic the same negative experiences because domestic violence is a learned behavior. The son will smack his girlfriends and wife around because that was good enough for his mother. Dad did it all the time. The daughter will attract the same type of man her mother did. He will remind her of her father right up to the point of divorce.
Hello, I am a 20 year old male, and always been considered a nice guy. It is my opinion that the reason women like jerks and not nice guys, is because the girls that feel that way, usually have low self esteem and believe that they are not worthy of a relationship with someone that treats them good. Well that is my opinion.
I'm a 25 yr. old male who is the typical "nice guy". I was always the "nerd" or "bookworm" type in school and have a very hard time meeting women.
I think women are attracted to jerks because they want a "bad boy" type. They want that James Dean from "Rebel Without a Cause" or Danny Zucho from "Grease" or Fonzi from "Happy Days" type. They want the danger and excitement that seems to be there surrounding these types of men.
Women often overlook us "Kermit the Frog" types or the "Seymour" from "Little Shop of Horrors" types. I don't think women think that guys such as us know how to do or be "exciting" or "dangerous". The problem with this is that it begets the question "how do you know we aren't exciting or dangerous if we're not given a chance?"
If anything, us shy guys are often better lovers and can give women that romance or something special that they are looking for. We also do know ways to be even more dangerous than the "bad boys". For many of us it comes thru reading books or articles in magazines or just typical past times that women don't think we have.
I think if women would realize that if they stopped complaining about not having a "nice guy" and started dating one, they'd be a lot happier.
I'm a man, and I think I know why jerks get more women than nice guys. One is attitude. I think that when people think that when you're a "nice guy", it really means that you're clingy and submissive in a sort of way. A "jerk" is someone who moves with the attitude of "yes, I can and will have you, but if I don't then so what?" which suddenly makes the WOMEN the pursuers rather than the pursuees. This is related to cockiness, but more importantly self-confidence, which I notice a lot of "nice guys" lack.
Another is androgyny. From what I heard from a summary of a Men's Health article ("How to make women hate you" or something like that), "nice guys" tend to think that showing sexual interest or being sexual at all will be threatening to women and therefore won't do it. "Jerks", however, will. This is important because sexuality indicates your sex or something like that and if you aren't sexual then you come off as androgynous, which is a turnoff.
Change these attitudes and you turn from a "nice guy" to a nice "guy", someone who is in the middle ground between needy sniveling boys and mean bastards. I'm not saying that all men who think they are nice guys have the aforementioned traits, but more often than not....
Why do some women dislike nice guys and want jerks. Well, it depends on how you define jerks.
First off a jerk is not a man who beats up a woman. A jerk is not someone who is extremely undependable and openly flirts with other women while on a date with a woman. A jerk is not a guy that's jobless or homeless or just treats a woman like complete dirt. Let's call a spade a spade my friend and all of the aforementioned men are losers.
These guys can't keep a woman and lose women on a regular basis. Like my pop told me, "even a broke woman doesn't want a broke man and women love respect and they seek out men that give it to 'em". If a women stays with a guy who disrespects her than she doesn't respect herself and you shouldn't want her anyway.
Now there are some women out there, a small percent, who do like nice guys. You know what my definition of a nice guy is? Is the courteous type that pulls out chairs and open doors a nice guy? No he's a gentleman, you're supposed to do that sort of stuff.
Women define nice guys as the guys who they can walk over. Like the poor, stupid jerks who contemplate suicide when their woman leaves them, "I can't live without her", what a loser. The guys who obey their woman's every command like a goddamn genie — these are the nice guys women despise.
Now you're saying to yourself why wouldn't a woman want a guy like this? Well I'm gonna tell you why. Men like that are weak and needy. If your readers are reading this and they fall into that category, they need to quit it. Women like gentlemen. They also like men who set their own rules and have their own beliefs.
I'll give you an example of a guy who gets jilted for being nice. I recently got a pinup calendar of women in swimsuits from a buddy of mine. His girlfriend wouldn't allow him to keep it in the house. Is he a schmuck or what. He pays the bills and she sits on her ass all day and she's dictating policy? Had that have been me, she would have got the hell out and I would have kept the calendar. You know why? Because of principal.
I also guarantee that she'd be coming back three days later saying how sorry she was. Now two things came of this incident: one, she won't pull stunts like that again, and two, she knows that I'm strong and I stand up for what I believe in. Was I being a jerk? She probably called me a jerk as she was leaving. Does she love me more now? Yeah, because women love strong minded men.
All you fellas out there, do not let women walk over you. If they threaten to leave, screw 'em. If a woman really loves you, she wouldn't leave you for something trivial anyway. You're better off without her. As she's leaving, thank her for showing her true colors.
Basically, women admire physical and mental strength. They don't want someone they can control, they want someone they can respect. The most important thing is that when you become this guy, you also respect yourself and you like the guy that's living inside your skin.
Well, I have to say that I don't believe girls prefer jerks over nice guys. I've been a nice guy all my life, (subjectively speaking and considering I'm 23 it's not long either) and haven't had any problems getting girls.
I believe single girls like nice guys; the problem is that most nice guys turn into a jerk overtime. And so, when we see the girl with the jerk we always wonder why the hell she ever went out with him in the first place. I'd be lying if I said I was immune to it, the mutation, .... but it happens in less degree to some.
In the age old question of why women like jerks over nice guys it comes down to attitude and confidence. Women are attracted to men who have them.
I am normally a nice guy but a few years back I decided to try a social experiment and I became a jerk. A cocksure jerk with a lot of confidence and attitude. And to noone's surprise it worked. It got to the point where my reputation preceded me.
It was great for my ego but it was very shallow and I knew that if they got to know the "nice guy" me they would drop me like a hot potato. My social experiment ended after a few months and having lived on the other side of the fence I can attest to the differences between nice guys and jerks.
I have a small theory I wish to share...
I believe that PART of the attraction of jerks for women is that there is a sense of strength in what they do (their rebelliousness), whereas nice guys perhaps seem to lack action, are considered PASSIVE as it were... PREDICTABLE even.
Maybe, nice guys are viewed as less spontaneous? Something to ask the general population perhaps.
Women like to feel secure... ironically some women feel that security can be found in guys who rebel against convention... against authority even. I consider myself a "nice guy with backbone" which most discerning ladies seems to appreciate, it seems. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen often enough... yes I know... read and study your articles more... I am and will again.
I can't explain the nice guy vs. jerk phenomenon entirely... since most of the women I chat to on the net favor RESPECT and TRUTH... two things I think would be lacking in a jerk...
I'm a guy and I also happen to be a nice guy. I have always been rejected/overlooked/shot down by women because I'm too nice. I was raised to treat women, and people in general, with respect. I hold the door for chicks, I say yes ma'am, and I say please and thank you. And I never get any sex.
I'm not saying that all I want is sex, but chicks seem to think that I'm a great guy to be friends with and talk to about their boyfriends and stuff, but sometimes all I can think about when they're talking is "Damn, I wonder what color your panties are." That doesn't sound very much like a nice guy, but that's in my head, not out loud.
Anyway, I really think that it should just be considered a fact that chicks like jerks and that's all there is to it. Nice guys finish last in the dating and sex department. I'm not ugly. And I'm pretty witty and charming. But, I'm not an asshole, so I pretty much shoot myself in the foot where chicks are concerned.
I have a friend that is dating a guy that tells her when to be home, what they're doing for lunch and everything else. And she loves him and puts out like crazy. Why!? I can't figure it out. If she was with me, I would be nice and we would do what she wanted and what I wanted. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Anyway, that's my story. I hope you figure this out because I really need to get laid.