Nice Guys and Jerks
Men - Page 3
My belief that women are attracted to jerks has validity. It's not because these guys are jerks that they are attracted to them though.
Jerks come across as being more dominant. And women love men who dominate (the caveman thing). It's the same thing when women are attracted to the tall, dark and handsome male. The gene thing.
Nice guys can learn from this though. I also believe that us nice guys can use the techniques that jerks use and still be nice.
1) Control the relationship. Not being a jerk, but being in control. Show that you can make decisions without stumbling. When you make a decision, don't back track on it (even if it's wrong). If it's a bad decision, own up to it. Say, "Yes, I made a mistake, I accept responsibility, and I will not do that again. No excuses, but it was my decision".
Women love men who are in control. When going out on a date, make the decision where and when to go — YOU MAKE THE CHOICES! Do not be wishy-washy. If you act like a wimp, then women will feel unprotected. Be dominant.
2) Be well read. Act like you're on top of the world. No one can control you. You're in total control, of yourself and your date. I have a personal library of approx. 4,000 books.
3) Take a few lessons in hand-to-hand combat. I'm not talking martial arts here. Get some training from an ex-special forces type (Navy SEALS, Army Green Beret, Marine Force Recon, Etc...). You will learn an offensive type of fighting system. Women will pick up on this and feel protected. And if you happen to come across someone that decides that they want to do harm to you or your date, you'll be able to handle it.
I hope these suggestions will help you to succeed with those women that only want jerks. You don't have to be a jerk to succeed with them. But you do have to control and be in control of every situation, when you're out with your date.
First and foremost, I don't think the whole "nice guy vs. jerk" phenomenon is limited to women choosing men. From personal experience, I've selected women who have wavered between the "nice girl" and "female jerk" title. I personally believe that as one gets more savvy in understanding potential partners, they tend to attract either a better or lesser class of person.
In my own dating/relationship experience, I know that at low periods in my life, I've often "settled" for a certain type of woman. I firmly believe that if I have a healthy attitude about myself, I'll tend to attract "healthier" women. I think that for some women, it's easier to be attracted to a "jerk" simply because the expectations may be lower. (For example, a woman may expect rude behavior from a "jerk" and say, "Well, all men are like that.")
As far as saying that women would rather dig nice guys over jerks, there's something about that which smacks of playing the victim. Some "nice guys" often use that as a mask to conceal their inner jerk; some jerks use *that* to hide their inner nice guy. (Plus, I personally think that setting people into different camps...well, people are people. We're all individuals.)
I've been through some crappy relationships and good relationships...and the crappy relationships have helped me learn how to avoid having crappier ones. If I were to blame it solely on being involved with "bitches" rather than "nice girls", I would be pilloried for having a very sexist/misogynistic attitude. People who complain about "nice guys finishing last" and that "jerks always win" are missing the point.
In my opinion, it's about being who *you* are. A lot of times, in establishing relationships, there can be subtle game playing. Doing it at one end, it's innocent flirtation, and comes from two people being themselves, and being genuine. From another end, if both people are "putting up fronts", it's manipulative and shady, and can end up in disaster. I think that as long as people try to be themselves, and not live up to any "labels", things will be OK.
If I had to live up to my "nice guy" label, I probably would have *never* gotten anywhere. I had to learn to appreciate who I was, warts and all. Every time I was myself, there were times when I got hurt, and times when I was rewarded. The rewards clearly outweigh the hurt.
Writing cause I think you've chosen an interesting topic and my experience in the topic is so recent that I just had to write.
I'm generally considered in the nice guy category and it was always quite a disadvantage. Had experiences even in my youth like a girl who was practically doing everyone in my class, would spend more time with me than with anyone else, but would never let me touch her cause she felt that would ruin my 'niceness' and would make me like the other 'jerks'. I bet you can guess what a jerk I felt like!
Other such experiences followed and recently I came across a quote in your newsletter about nice guys not getting laid. I felt the time had come for me to change and I tried to adopt the mantra - "No More Mr. Nice Guy". However I couldn't even wait to see if the results would be positive as every time I acted as a jerk I felt like a jerk.
So I switched back...
Fortunately I have now met a girl who was looking for a nice guy and our relationship progressed/is progressing much faster than any of the jerks I had observed and envied...
As such although I agree that jerks definitely get laid much more often... I would suggest to other nice guys to hang on... believe in themselves and be themselves. It may take a little longer but when they do find the right woman... they'll have a much better time than a dozen jerks combined or their grosses of women!
I've been the victim of "nice guy" syndrome a number of times. The most painful was about 4 years ago...
Once upon a time, I had an intense crush on this beautiful woman at work. I was fortunate enough to be a founding member of this "breakfast club" and this woman was the center of attraction of the club. Well, we met every day before work and so, I got to know her very well and so did this other guy (the jerk). I was honest and since I was dating another woman, I had to pass when this hot woman asked me if I wanted to go help her with her torn panty hose. I missed my chance I guess.
The jerk was in the process of a divorce, telling me all about it, and, as it turned out, was already shacked up with yet another woman (didn't find that out till later). He somehow managed to seduce this smoking hot woman right beneath my eyes. They were doing it for a while before I realized. During that time, I had ended my relationship with my former girlfriend and was ready to make my move. I even told the jerk what I was feeling towards her. He wouldn't even then tell me what was going on. After I found out, I felt like a total fool.
Eventually, everyone in the office knew what happened and she stayed with him for almost a year before dumping him, while he was still shacked up! The jerk had dumped all his divorce problems (which he created) on me because I would listen, and to pay me back, he stole the woman I wanted.
Lesson to learn: the jerks have serious ethics / moral problems. I'm convinced the way he got her away from me, was by poisoning her towards me by telling her untrue things about me so she would lose interest.
So to all you women out there who have this thing for the smooth talking - read: lying - "jerk types"... Wise up! Stop thinking with your ... (whatever it is down there that you think with).
The nice guys are the best lovers. You have to be able to trust the one you love. If you just want a fling with a guy without a big commitment, you don't need a jerk! Just approach a nice guy with your request. Just cause he isn't a snake doesn't mean he won't comply. And if he is already with someone, he will tell you. Imagine that! Keep it honest and in the open and it can be a wonderful thing. There is nothing degrading about honesty and openness - or an intimate relationship with a "nice" guy.
I am a 23 year old guy from NYC, and I consider myself to be a pretty good person. Women say that they want the nice romantic sensitive guy but always choose the bottom of the barrel. Just remember ladies, you reap what you sow and are sure to let a great person get away.
What I think a jerk has going for him is that he's willing to make a fool of himself at times and allow her to let down her guard to feel more comfortable as she doesn't consider him much of a threat to her. While a nice guy doesn't break the ice as easily, causing her to question her subconscious skepticism. If a woman doesn't take the trouble to put a nice guy at ease, then these barriers will interfere in their communication.
Many women have been fooled by a Mr. Niceguy who turned out to hurt them one way or another and have come to the conclusion that if he seems too good to be true, he usually is. A jerk is immediately obvious while a nice guy only proves himself over time. Go figure? It's the same as the adage "buy cheap, get cheap". Love a jerk, get a jerk. If a woman isn't astute enough to recognize a nice guy when she meets one, she deserves the jerk. And then there are women who are jerks too, but that's another subject altogether.
I know "jerks" always get the women because I have some very attractive lady friends who always tell me how they are treated by their boyfriends. And I am truly amazed of the type of guys who do this. I attempt my best nice guy attitude, which is how I am all the time, and I get nowhere with the ladies. But the jerks are the ones who have them but treat them shitty.
All I can do is just "sigh" and wish they would give me a chance at showing them (ladies) how nice and how much I respect them. So far it seems that nice guys do really finish last.
Having always thought I was a "nice guy," I wondered why women were not flocking to me. I began to realize, however, that "nice" doesn't mean being timid and always polite around women.
I believe women can see right through the "act" of trying to be nice. They are attracted to a man who has enough confidence to speak his mind even when women are around. Jerks seem to have no problem saying whatever comes naturally. The difference is that a jerk says offensive things. But "nice" guys are too timid so they sit in the corner hoping the women will flock to them.
If nice guys really believed they were nice, they should have the confidence to talk openly with women. That confidence will make the difference. Just because you tell a girl your opinion (even if it's controversial), it doesn't make you a jerk. It just shows that you're confident.
Nice guys are very predictable. For example, if a girl knows a nice guy, at lunch she might give him money and ask him to get her something. This nice guy will always say yes. This doing of favors can eventually lead nice guys to get trampled on. Women do not like guys that get trampled on. Also, a nice guy's doing of good deeds becomes the norm, thus his good deeds can often go unappreciated.
Now when a jerk does something nice, it is more noticeable since it is not the norm and it has a degree of unpredictability. Most women like a certain degree of unpredictability. So it's fine to be just a bit jerkish sometimes, but for God's sake don't overdo it.
Having been accused of being a "nice guy" my entire life, I did experience a unique phenomenon.
As an actor I received a bit of attention, and toured for two years with a repertory theatre (we did 5 different shows in a week and move to the next town, and repeat them). One season I was cast in two "good guy leads", and one supporting "brooding bad guy" role. The girls ALWAYS went for the bad guy. I received SO MUCH attention on those Thursday nights it was unbelievable! Other than that part, I never (thank god) became the 'jerk'.
(By the way, I now have a steady who likes the "nice guy" - a good alternative to the jerks she was meeting - and we are headed toward marriage pretty soon.)
There's this hot hot hot chick.. just amazing! Honestly she will destroy any model out there...... At first I'm talking to her and being all nice.. which she liked and we dated for 2 weeks... Kissing, flowers, etc.... then all of a sudden... she started acting weird and was totally ignoring me.
What do I do? I become even nicer to her.. she ignores me even more.. No phone calls... no dates. I'm like what the heck did I do wrong.. So I said screw it and started ignoring her. Four days passed by and I was killing myself not to call her. Guess what? She called me and wanted to go out. We went out and made out. I heard through the grape vine from her best friend that, and THE RULE OF THUMB OF MY LESSON....
"I'm too easy to get. I'm no challenge to her!" So I started acting like an asshole and totally trash talk her and flirt with other women in bars while she was right in front of my face. Final ending — I have total control over her and she loves it!
I consider myself a nice guy, and I know exactly what it's like. It's not always true, but I think that often the women feel that "Nice Guys" are the people they want to be friends with and thus aren't guys that they are attracted to. It's the jerks that give off a more masculine stereotype, so women want them more as mates, more dominant, which is a characteristic trait of females of all species to look for. Thus the nice guy is just on a different level, which is why the jerks are preferred subconsciously.
The situation is very clear: women like jerks because they want to shape them in their image. Women that is their power. In a society where women have limited power — economic, social, political — their only option for control and power in the world is in their relationships.
They all suffer from low self-esteem, and having the power in the relationship is the only way to prove themselves. To control — "to tame the beast" — is a woman's way to control her own life. By re-shaping her man, she is in effect giving her own self purpose and identity.
Fortunately for men, since he is the only reason for her existence and identity, he can fool around with anyone he wants too, and have something to go home to also. The greatest example is Bill Clinton. Hillary would be nothing without him. He fools around. She knows it, but to divorce him, to distance herself from him, she wouldn't be The First Lady.
All this goes to prove the point that women are pathetic creatures to begin with.